I’ve been struggling to write…again. I started a Father’s Day blog and deleted it. I wrote another one that I don’t even remember what it was about. And deleted that one too. It’s the lovely summer break. I have such a love hate relationship with summer break. This popped up in my newsfeed this past week and it made me laugh. It is so accurate.
Seriously. After school was out, I had it in my mind that I’d finally give the kids the ‘best summer ever!’ They weren’t going to be on their iPads all day. Talan had camp, then they’d have VBS. On Thursday the kids and I leave and will be gone 10 days. At the end of this month Talan and Grayson have basketball camp. Kylan had summer school for 4 weeks in June. We have Chiro appts, Speech and OT, and I still have to work. But I was determined to give my kids an amazing summer where we’d all sit around a camp fire and eat bon bons. We’d set up the tent in the backyard and camp out back. We’d go to the beach and parks. Every single day, of course. The list goes on and on. Kudos to you if you’re able to keep up with the facade of giving your kids ‘the best summer ever.’ But news flash! That’s not our reality. I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t keeping up. I feel sick if I’m out in the sun and not submerged in water. I had an absolute BLAST playing dodge ball with the kids…in the beginning of June. But now it’s just too hot. And I can’t keep up with all that comes with keeping my kids busy and happy 100% of the time while also working. It’s simply not realistic.
A live came on FB about allowing our kids to be bored. Hooray! I didn’t even get a chance to watch the whole thing. But it’s true. If you’re struggling with all that comes with summer break and keeping your kids happy and busy, it’s completely OK to allow them to be bored and make them use a bit of their God-Given imagination every once in a while. As fun as I’ve tried to make it for my kids (in June), Summer School ended for our Sweet #3, and it’s been a fun, challenging, exhausting, interesting summer ever since.
The below picture popped up in my memories this past week. I never showed anyone this picture. It was a picture I sent to my sister. We were living in AZ. We were just going through the motions. This is what ‘biting his nails’ looked like. As I sit here trying to hold back my tears, I’m thankful for the memories of the struggle. The hard days. And the worried days. Because on our current hard days, it reminds me how far we HAVE come.
This didn’t bother him. At all.
Even if it seems like minimal progress at the moment, it’s still progress. I have to admit, I’m excited to get the results back on Tuesday from his latest scans. I don’t know if it’s because it hasn’t been his normal routine or what it is. But the whining and tantrums have been back with a vengeance if he’s not being kept busy or entertained 100% of the time. At first it was a ton of energy, which his scans definitely showed last time. You can read about it here. But it’s back to some very tiring and challenging days. Days where there’s no compromising. There’s no rationalizing. And looking back, ‘challenging’ and ‘hard’ is all perspective.
A couple weeks ago, my sister and I brought all the kids with to go look for dresses for the little girls for a wedding we have coming up. We went into a store that we had never heard of. It was for fancy occasions so there were big poofy dresses and there wasn’t much room in between one round of dresses from another. I was holding Sweet #3’s hand and holding Isla in my other arm. I look down and Kylan was trembling. It reminded me of night terrors he’s had. His eyes were bugging out of his head. Big tears rolling down his cheeks and he was shaking. He started gripping my fingers so hard that they started tingling. I tried asking him what was wrong. He wouldn’t talk. He just kept nodding ‘no,’ and couldn’t stop crying and shaking. I finally calmed him down enough to get him to explain what was wrong.
*Side Note: He’s afraid of men with beards No clue why. Obviously if he knows the man with a beard, he’s fine. But strangers. Forget it.*
He had seen a man with a beard carrying a crying child (before we were even in the store). He thought he was going to come and get him. He thought he was taking that girl and he was going to get him next. He pulled my hand and kept saying ‘Can we go?! Let’s go!!’ This was by far the worst he’s ever been.
I thought maybe the store was overwhelming for him. I don’t think we’ve been to a mall since moving, honestly. Just those outdoor malls. So I thought it had something to do with a different place.
Seeing your child in complete terror is not fun. I don’t want him to grow up being that afraid. Ever. In that moment, I felt we just took 20 steps back when dealing with his anxiety. But then I see a picture of what ‘biting his nails’ really meant, and I’m reminded that we are, in fact, making progress. Even on those hard days. We’re continuing to learn on a daily basis what works and what doesn’t. And it’s ever changing. However, that still doesn’t change the fact that right now is when I wish we were in AZ where school is starting back up in 2 weeks and we could get back to some normalcy. Because allowing boredom for this one, is hard. It’s much different than allowing boredom for the others.
Kylan Jack, we’ve got this. Talan and Grayson, we’ve got this. Isla Amelia Lynn, my little #stage5clinger, we’ve got this.
Here’s to summer break and allowing my kids to be bored every now and then. And to never forget how far we’ve come. Here’s to some fun days and some boring days and some in-between days. Here’s to embracing this messy and beautiful summertime journey together. And also counting down the days until school starts.
~xoxo
Living With Intention and Giving Myself Grace 