365 Days

365 days you’ve been gone earth side. 365 long days. 2020 was quite the year. It was a long, hard year, but yet I can’t believe it’s already been a full year that you’ve been gone.

I’ve spent so many days contemplating posting this picture. Some may think it’s too private. Too raw. Too real. But a picture is worth a thousand words. I only wish I would’ve captured when all his little people were standing next to his casket. Looking. Crying. Looking some more. Asking questions. Trying to figure it all out. Crying some more. These little people just lost their Gramps in what to them, and us, felt like a blink of an eye. They were ALL most definitely #teamgramps. Gramps made them all feel like they were the most important little humans that walked this earth.

This picture says so much. Here stands one of Walter’s ‘bonus’ grandsons, Peter Angelo. And Talan David. Talan was his very first Grandchild. Walter saw him within moments of being born. He was extremely quiet when he was born and didn’t really cry. I’ll never forget hearing how concerned others were because he was so quiet. Me, being a naive first time mom, having never given birth before, didn’t think anything of it. He was alert and looking around. But then Walter cheered the first time he let out a cry…and then continued to cheer whenever Talan would cry in the following months. He cheered! He made Talan’s cry the ringtone on his phone. What’s funny is, Walter didn’t like hearing any of his grandchildren cry. Often times he would leave the room because he wouldn’t like to see or hear them upset or hurt. But hearing Talan finally cry was so joyous to him. Then I was nervous Talan was going to grow up thinking he would expect everyone to always cheer for him because Walter would cheer every time Talan entered the room! I didn’t want him to get a big head! (No pun intended because he had a big head!) To sit and think of all the things Walter did for this child, is incredible really. Walter maybe couldn’t hear Talan’s final cries looking at his Gramps in a casket, but I’m sure Gramps would be cheering…or maybe leaving the room because he wouldn’t want to see Talan sad.

Kylan Jack woke up the morning of his funeral white as a ghost. He randomly didn’t feel well. A day where his dad was to be a pallbearer and his mom couldn’t miss her Step-Dad’s funeral. He had a headache. He hadn’t been sick in probably a year. And he hasn’t been sick a day since. Our tough Kylan Jack put on his funeral best and went to the viewing. Within 30 minutes, he threw up after seeing his Gramps in the casket. This little boy who was everything to Walter, who had the most indescribable bond with his Gramps just lost that and was physically ill. I truly believe that’s what it was. We stayed in a big house with all of the cousins. No one else in that house got sick. And he was only sick the day of the funeral. It makes my Mama heart hurt for our Kylan. For all of the grandchildren.

After the funeral, I remember checking on Kylan in the hallway. Shortly after, I turned around, and all these little boys, all these #teamgramps boys, in their black pants and black button down shirts lined up one by one against the wall and just sobbed. I gave each and every one of them a hug. It broke this Auntie/Mama’s heart.

Their Auntie Sharon, one of Walter’s daughters, made all of the kids a Gramps book. It has most definitely helped keep his memory alive. And I think it’s been the reason why Gramps comes up in conversation so frequently in our home. I’m beyond grateful for this gift that was given to them.

Sharon and John were able to come to IL for Thanksgiving. It was the first time we saw them since January. I asked if her and John wanted to come with us to pick out a Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. What I didn’t know, until after I asked them, was how special that was that they were here. Picking out our first real tree. The day after Thanksgiving. The year Walter died. And that brought back a flood of memories for her. She remembered going to pick out a tree every year with her Dad. The day after Thanksgiving. The stories she would tell warmed my heart. Even though John told me I’m going to find pine needles in next years Turkey, and I’m still laughing about that too. We’re continuing to make family memories. Because we are family.

Blended families are funny like that. From my own experience, they can start out tough. Like REALLY tough. You don’t understand why certain things are happening the way they are, but you continue to learn. And grow. And be stubborn. And learn some more. And grow even more. And eventually, you appreciate each other. And then you realize how much you love each other. As much as your own blood. And then you see how truly blessed you are, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Without Walter, I wouldn’t have my two bonus sisters. Who I call my sisters more than I ever refer to them as ‘Step-Sisters.’ Walter isn’t here. But we’re still family. And that. That would make Walter smile and say is just…Terrific.