Living With Intention and Giving Myself Grace

Hello Beautiful Friends. It’s been a while and I felt the urge to write. It’s therapeutic for me, and especially today, something has been heavy on my heart.

It’s only the beginning of the first week of summer break, and it’s been a HARD week. Haha! Yep. It’s only Tuesday and I’m at the brink of a cry fest. I can feel it brewing. But why? Summer break is what we all look forward too! It’s filled with beach and pool fun. Summer camps. Weekend or Week-long get aways. Staying up late (my oldest was out until almost 10:30 last night having a bonfire and roasting s’mores at a friends house!) and sleeping in. Having no agenda. Ohhhh hello no agenda! Sounds magical, doesn’t it? In this house, it can be cause for disaster. Truth is, the change in routine of having no routine is just plain hard. And I wasn’t prepared.

Many of you have seen our wins on social media lately. It’s always so easy to post about fun times isn’t it? Our sweet #3 had his first play date with his best buddy from school. Our oldest turned 10 and had 2 birthday parties, along with some of our own little family celebrating. Just the 6 of us.

In between party 1, a fun family weekend, and party 2, our sweet #3 got sick. In a way that used to be our normal, but currently is not our normal. Thank you Jesus!…Then he had his last day of school and his Preschool graduation.

So fun, right!?! The 2 big boys had their last day of school. Then I potty trained the Little Miss for 3 days and Kylan went to his first birthday party for a school friend!

And now. Now I’ve been getting ready for a garage sale. Which, by the way, could quite possibly be a harder task with a 2-1/2 year old, then potty training was.

This baby is the new proud owner of a cute, never-been-used, security blanket!…It’s one of many items that has found its way from a table in the garage, back inside. Lord, grant me patience.

And summer school started yesterday. Which is now 4 hours, as opposed to his normal 2-1/2 this past year. And it’s in the morning, as opposed to the afternoon…like it was this past school year.

So behind all those cute smiles above (biased, I know.), is a child who craves consistency and routine. But life can’t stop, right? There’s always going to be birthday parties. And visitors. And graduations. And play dates. Thankfully there won’t always be potty training…or garage sales. Lol. I think I’m in over my head with that one. But life as we know it, is going to keep happening.

Yesterday, life around him came to a head with a pretty intense melt down. My husband is so good at reminding me that our normal used to be him getting texts like yesterday, every single day. Multiple times a day. The problem is. He’s getting bigger and stronger. And I’m getting older…or weaker. Lol. Carrying a child up 2 flights of stairs, who’s thrashing around, able to grip onto the railing so you can’t keep going up the stairs, kicking, and as I took a corner, he threw his head back and hit it on a corner. It made for this mama’s heart to be beating out of her chest, and be completely out of breath by the time all was said and done.

And then, in the middle of the night he got sick and woke up with a fever this morning…I think my heart is still beating out of my chest.

I have a super busy, and what I think, should be fun summer planned. We’re planning a day in the city for Father’s Day. We’ll be going to MN for a week so the boys can go on a hiking/exploring trip up north. We have 2 different weekends planned in WI at resorts with 2 sets of Grandparents. Their Papa Hassler will come for a weekend and go to the air and water show in Chicago. We haven’t told the kids yet, but we’re going to Nashville for a long weekend to visit family. Talan has basketball camp 2 weeks and will be away at camp for 1 week. Life…and plans will be happening. And that won’t go without changing up routines and schedules. So remember. Behind every picture of a ‘highlight reel,’ is quite possibly a child still learning to adapt to changes in routine. There may be a child, or Mom (Lol!) about to have a melt down. Or there won’t. Because we are doing things to help ease us into these transitions of life. But as of right now, these past weeks have been fun, but also hard.

So the million dollar question I tend to ask myself. A lot…Why? Why would God bless me with a stressed child when this Mama, herself, needs to focus on stress regulation or I too, get thrown way out of whack in a completely different way? So here’s my million dollar answer…

Because I rely on Him to help me every step of the way. Because what He has blessed, yes, blessed me with, has taught me to show compassion and understanding deeply. What He’s blessed me with, has allowed me to show grace. Because the Lord knows, I’ve been shown grace. What He’s blessed me with has been more patience then I ever knew was possible. But man, I’m constantly praying for more patience. I feel it wearing thin many times. And when it’s almost gone, I’m able to muster up just a little bit more. He’s made me realize I wasn’t meant to walk this journey alone. He’s blessed me with a husband who is nothing like me, so we balance each other out and we make a good team. He’s blessed me with an amazing team of professionals who know more then I do. And without judgement. I’ve had to be vulnerable and be OK with not having all the answers. I’m constantly learning and growing as a Mother. I actually enjoy showing others the messy side of being a Mom. Because being a mom IS messy. It is not Instagram worthy pictures all of the time. Don’t let that fool you. Lord knows it fools me all the time, and my husband is good at reminding me that it isn’t real life. That’s everyone’s highlight reel.

Remember that Mama’s. It’s OK to be messy. And it’s OK to show the world you’re messy.

Here’s to our messy, yet magical summers with our babies we were blessed with. Embrace every bit of this journey. And on your (or their) hard days, know that you’re not alone. Just love them…and yourself, through it.

~xoxo

To My Sweet Second Child,

I get it. You’re somewhat lost in the shuffle. I call you my ‘poor, neglected, middle child’ even though there’s 4 of you, because, well…you are OUR middle child.

Talan has always been our easiest and most laid back child. He’s adventurous. He’s a straight A student. He aims to please and wants to know he’s making us proud. Which he is. He’s an incredible kid.

Kylan gets lumped into ‘Kylan and Isla.’ Although both of you are in the middle of the pack, he’s more of a twin with your little sister. He demands attention. And if he’s not getting it, even if it’s negative attention, he figures out a way to get it. He’s been our biggest challenge and we are continuing to learn how to parent him daily. He takes up a lot of our energy. He surprises us daily and we’re proud of him. He too, is an incredible kid.

Then there’s your sister. The youngest of 4. The only girl. The one that brings a whole lot a sugar and spice to our family. You tend to be the most doting on her and tell her she’s ‘so cute’ or ‘beautiful’ on the daily. To see your relationship blossoming between the two of you is heartwarming. You will be the brother she leans on for comfort if she’s having a bad day. She brings a whole new dynamic to our family that we all love. She’s an incredible little person. Definitely sassy. But incredible non the less.

And then there’s you. Where do you stand in all of this? You’re still trying to figure out your place. But let me tell you. I get you. Trust me. I. Get. You. I too was the 2nd child of 4. And I truly was the middle child with your uncles being twins. I texted your Auntie yesterday joking that I got the short end of the stick. Your aunt and uncles were smart. Your uncles…like REALLY smart. They were awesome soccer players and well, they were identical twins. So there’s always that. Your aunt was smart and the pretty one. She liked having a little too much fun in high school. And it was fun to watch from the sidelines. Your Mama, however, struggled. In all aspects of life. And I see a lot of you in me. And son, it WILL get better. You WILL find your way. Although it won’t be easy it will be so rewarding. You see, your Mama struggled in school. Really struggled. I learned to use my goofiness to mask my insecurities about not being ‘smart.’ And now it’s not used to mask anything. I love making people laugh and I love to laugh at myself. Besides severe allergies making me look sick at a very young age, then I started to get a different kind of sick when I was old enough to play school sports. Not that I would be any good anyways, because let’s face it, I was accident prone and had no coordination, so I successfully got myself out of even having to TRY to be in sports. But I still felt the world was against me. Getting sick made me have to work harder. It also made me realize that being ‘book smart’ is not everything. My common sense is pretty great. I also learned that if schools were more hands on and visual, I could have done better. The minute I put myself through school that I had a passion for AND was more hands on, I excelled! I actually graduated with honors. Surprising, right? Your time is coming. If school was putting puzzles together, building LEGO sets like a boss and playing with dinosaurs all day, along with being more hands on and visual in every subject, you too, would excel by leaps and bounds. But we have to get you through the tough stuff first. The not so fun stuff. I learned grades don’t mean much once you’re older but as long as you give 110% in whatever you do, that’s success. Being kind and genuine, being a hard worker and never giving up, all while having a sense of humor, will get you just as far in life. But maybe in a completely different way. But it will still be amazing. I see you in me.

I see this little boy who feels like the world is against him. But every now and then let’s out the most amazing one liners. You, buddy, are funny! But right now, you’re struggling. And I see you. You told me a couple weeks ago that “you’re sick of feeling sad.” And I hear you. I. Hear. You. Your Mama has been there. Although you may feel ‘lost in the shuffle’ right now. Your Dad and my conversations are mostly about YOU these days. We want to see you gain confidence and come into your own amazing person. We want to see this anxiety ridden, stressed little boy, enjoy this amazing life and have your own story to tell. Because it will be amazing. And just like our Kylan Jack, we will help you get there. We will figure you out. In a completely different way. Because you are Grayson James. We are proud of you. And you too, are an incredible kid.

Love,

Your Mama. Your Biggest Fan ♥️

Yesterday, I struggled. While posting about our sweet #3, I was struggling. No one would ever know, right? While getting our #3 ready for school and on the bus, I was struggling. But he got on the bus and off to school. Thank you Jesus! I came back inside and laid on the couch while the house was a mess and I had work to get done. The Little Miss was singing away to nursery rhymes on the Ipad and I was thankful for the calm. I texted the husband asking if he’d be able to pick up the big boys from school if I needed him to. In our house it’s all about finding back up plans. Constantly. An hour later and yep. I asked him to pick the boys up and I moved to my bed. The Little Miss followed me, and reminded me just how amazing these little people are. As I’m getting into bed, she says, “Mommy. Fan?…There you go.” She knows I like the fan on me. She turned the fan on and climbed up on the bed and watched her iPad while I slept and wasn’t sure if I was going to be sick. Travis came home before picking the boys up to see if she needed to come with him to school. As he came into the room she told him “Shhhhhh!” And she was content staying with me, and I was content letting her stay with me. Y’all, we’ve reached a new milestone! While the days we struggle aren’t fun, there’s ALWAYS something that I’m so incredibly thankful for. We have made it past the days of panicking about babies…or our sweet #3 escaping…or setting the house on fire if Mom is sick. WE MADE IT! While I struggle that my kids have to have a mom who gets sick or just doesn’t feel well for multiple days at a time, and has less patience in these moments, I believe there’s a purpose. These little people are learning empathy. They’re learning to not judge a book by its cover. They’re learning that people can look completely normal on the outside but on the inside, they may be struggling. They’re learning we work hard on our good days and to give ourselves grace on the days we struggle.

I was allowed grace and was shown empathy by our two year old. She may not have realized that’s what she doing, but that’s what was happening. The constant needs and wants of a toddler stopped. The crying and tantrums didn’t happen. She was still. She told her Daddy ‘shhhhh!’ when he came in to check on us. I am beyond thankful for our little people. And while they’re learning these things, they’re teaching me so much more. They continue to remind me to give others grace. They remind me to show empathy towards others. They remind me that others struggle too, including them, even if it’s in a different way then me.

I ended up not getting an episode, but I was struggling. I woke up with enough time to get some food in their bellies, give the boys haircuts, and go on our way to the big boys’ Science Fair at school. And the hot mess mom that I am took a video of Talan and his project instead of a picture. Insert face palm. So, these are the pictures I took before bringing it into school on Wednesday.I was so thankful to be able to attend and see how proud they were to show off their work. And real life, I’m thankful the Science Fair is also over. Lol!

March 5th is CVS (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome) awareness day. I’ve never really recognized this day, other then it being Travis and my ‘dating anniversary.’ CVS Awareness day does nothing for me, personally. But the day I found my person despite my struggles bring on another whole slew of emotions. This year it will be 20 years. 20 years ago…when Travis had hair and I tanned too much. But also, 20 years ago, was the day I found who would stick by me on my good days and bad days and mediocre days and amazing days. The person who drove up and down Hwy 55 with his Mom to see if I had gotten into an accident because I didn’t show up at the movie theater. (This was before the days of cell phones) He didn’t know I was having one of my worst episodes at my Dads. An episode where “if I threw up one more time, we should go to the hospital.” But he stuck by me. What 16 year old boy would stick with someone like me!? I’m not sure many would. Well…maybe they would just to keep the status of ‘I’m a sophomore dating a senior.’ Ha! While you may think this blog is about me (which I guess it is) The purpose of the blog, is not. It’s about everyone. Everyone struggles in their own way. So here’s your friendly reminder to allow others grace, and allow yourself grace. Practice empathy. Be kind to others…and yourself. It costs absolutely nothing but can mean so much. Continue to learn from these little people who teach us so much.

I better go as I have to go bring our poor, forgotten about, middle child, a game he needed to bring to school for buddies today, that we forgot to put in his backpack. Because today, I’m struggling…and because real life, I have to keep up with my ‘Hot Mess Mom’ status.

~xoxo

It’s already February 19th and I haven’t written one post in 2019. I have 3 drafts of I don’t even remember what, but I figured I better get one out there.

You may be wondering how our Kylan Jack is doing. This year is much more ‘uneventful’ as far as updates on him go since all of the Dr. appointments and evaluations are behind us. Now it’s all about using the information or advice we’ve been given to navigate through it all. The best we can.

We decided to stop his private therapies at the beginning of the year and see how it would go. He has made HUGE improvements with all of the extra help he received in 2018. We may get him into some group therapy in the summertime, but for now he’s still receiving chiropractic care and services through the school district, so we felt he’s still getting the help he needs, just not quite as much. I think it was a scarier decision for me then it was for Travis, being I’m with him day in and day out, but just like anything else, we’ve pushed through and figured it out. The kid may struggle academically but he’s got drive and determination. He’s the most stubborn and strong-willed human being I’ve ever known. I thought my husband was stubborn, but Kylan blows him out of the water. I have no clue what his future looks like, but it’ll be something bright. And he will be our greatest story to tell.

On our way to church this past Sunday, I said to Travis I need to find out when Kindergarten Round-Up is. My voice immediately started to shake and tears welled up in my eyes. I had to stop talking (and thinking) about it. As exciting as it is to think about getting a little bit more of a breather during the day and getting him more structure to see how this whole ‘full-time school’ thing is going to go, my heart sinks. He’s been with the same teacher the past 2 years. He ADORES her. She’s gone through everything with us. I’m not sure if I’m ready to move onto someone new, let alone if Kylan is ready. He struggles with new people. So I’m bracing myself for the backlash we may experience when this milestone happens. He’s also been my little side kick for 5 years. I honestly can’t imagine my days without him being at home with me. So until then, we’ll cherish these last months and I’ll grow some more grey hairs. Because real life…the kid is the culprit of 90% of my grey hairs.

Grayson and Talan are growing up before our eyes and refusing to take pictures with their Mama. (Or any pictures for that matter) Looking at my pictures, the first one is the last single one I’ve taken of G and it was at Christmastime! Trust me…I’ve tried. It’s not because he’s the poor neglected middle child. Well, maybe a little bit. (I feel you buddy) Ha! But seriously. Luckily Trav got some of him at the Fire Station recently. Talan turns double digits in a few short months which I’m NOT ready for. How can my sweet, little nugget be turning 10!?! It’s gonna happen whether I want it to or not. *sigh* Yesterday I booked his birthday party. I love Birthdays, but with 4 kids, it can be challenging to make a huge deal out of every year. So this year it’s all about Talan.

He was the first of us to get pretty sick this month, and he didn’t bounce back too quickly either. Travis and I had many whispering conversations, “Should we bring him to the Dr!?!?…He’s not even playing Fortnite!!…He doesn’t have a fever anymore…Is he having problems with friends at school??…Is this an age thing??…Please God don’t let this be an age thing!!” It’s true. I messaged his teacher and made a joke that I wasn’t sure if it’s because he’s still not 100% or because he’s turning 10 soon. Lol. Y’all, we may have 4 kids but we do NOT have this figured out! We make mistakes daily and all that gets me through is a whole lot of prayers, reminding each other to give ourselves grace, and a whole bunch of chocolate. Parenting is HARD. Parenting your first, ‘easy’ child is hard. You’re a rookie at it for 18 years. And then God blesses you with a 2nd child who’s completely different and you’re a rookie at it for another 18 years. And then…and THEN you’re blessed with a Kylan Jack and you’ll never be good at this parenting thing but you’ll try. You’ll never quite figure it out but you’ll lean on God and the experts. And you’ll grow your village. Because you aren’t meant to do this alone. And by number 4 you’re exhausted. You do whatever you need to do to just get by. She’ll pretty much raise herself. I mean, the girl can hold a pencil like a professional and she knows her colors. She’ll be good, right?

I’m happy to say this year is starting out much more uneventful then our 2018, and that’s TOTALLY fine. Our January was crazy enough with sporting events I don’t think we could have squeezed in all the appointments we were having this time last year, along with everything else!

Now I have to brag on Travis for a minute. He’s been on his own health journey since last June and y’all, he’s killing it! He says this is the slowest he’s lost weight (hello, you’re not a young chicken anymore), but he’s made it a lifestyle change and I’m so proud of him! He’s lost 45 pounds (crushing another milestone just this past Saturday) and when I’m curled up in bed eating snickers under the covers (true story), he goes out on a walk. Every. Single. Night. The only 2 nights he hasn’t gone out was because it was -20° or something crazy like that, and then he walked laps and played some basketball in the basement to get in his 10,000 steps for the day. He’s the real MVP over here.

(He took the kids to the fire station our friend works at a couple Sundays ago while I did some hair, and they had a blast!)

Hopefully I won’t go so long in between posts next time. I’ve been in a funk lately (thank you, winter), but sometimes writing out little glimpses of what’s been going on (or not going on) helps remind you how extremely blessed you are. There’s always so much to be thankful for in this crazy, messy, busy, and ordinary life.

~xoxo

Nothing. And I struggle with this. Like…A LOT. I always want everything to be perfect. I stressed literally for months trying to put outfits together for our family that coordinated, but weren’t too matchy-matchy. I wanted Isla’s pants to be the brighter color and stick out a bit more. I ordered the cutest barrettes that matched perfectly. My necklace also matched her pants. I had the burgundy color in Grayson’s shirt. I laid everything out on the bed. 5 times. Picturing who should and shouldn’t stand next to each other. I was determined that we were going to look picture perfect.

Then reality hit. I knew I’d be the one to hold Isla, so I didn’t want our top colors to match too much. My shirt ended up not looking right by itself with my pants. So what did I do? Throw on a sweater that was similar in color to hers. Ughhhhh.

For as long as I stressed over this blessed photo shoot, it went anything BUT perfect. Don’t get me wrong. We love our photographer. She’s amazing. But she had an imperfect canvas (us) to work with. So you can only work so much magic before it’s considered a disaster. Because of our Little Miss, I wasn’t even paying attention to who was next to who. What side of my hair was showing. If my sweater was open enough for the colors to pop through and not blend in so much with Isla. I just wanted it over. Honestly.

If we only had 3 boys, we’d have such a cute picture of the kids! And I know I’m biased, but aren’t our boys so handsome?

Here’s the thing though. We have 4 kids. And this is our only picture of all of them together.

She was NOT having it. I’d put her down and run away as fast as possible to try and get a picture. And Isla ran almost as fast as I did.

Here are the 2 individual shots she got of Isla in between her melt downs. Because literally. She was melting down 95% of the time.

That look. We’re in trouble.

And the family picture? Ha! There is a good one. But talk about STINKER! Isla was either crying or putting her fingers in her mouth. But it showed the good side of my hair. Because y’all, that’s what matters most. Kidding. But seriously. Insert eye roll.

The boys were positioned perfectly. Everything was great. Except the 2 year old. There was no way anyone was going to get her to do what we wanted. Without crying at that. So we embraced our imperfect situation. Travis is actually the one who told our photographer it was fine. He told her, “Just take a picture of the kids with her screaming. That’s our life right now.” And he’s right. I’m all about WISHING we were perfect, but completely realizing we aren’t. And we never will be. Nor do I want to portray that we’re perfect. Ever. So our perfectly imperfect family picture of 2018 will be this one. The one that shows the bad side of my hair. But Isla is smiling…with her tongue hanging out. But we got it. And it’s as imperfectly perfect as we’ll get.

There will always be a family who’s more coordinated than us. There will always be other families who have more perfect and willing 2 year olds in their family pictures then us. There will always be families of 6 or more who seem to have all their ducks in a row better then us. As much as I wish we were all those families. We aren’t.

So we will continue to embrace our messes. Embrace being imperfect. And focus on living and making real memories more then having a picture perfect life ❤️

~xoxo

A couple weeks ago I posted on Instagram and Facebook about starting the Keto diet. I posted if “something isn’t working for you, change what you’re doing and get after it.” What many people don’t know is how much I was struggling. How much I am struggling. Trying to figure out why I never have energy and haven’t been feeling well. I felt I was making healthy changes and the way I would feel on a daily basis would reflect those changes I’ve been intentionally working on. I’ve been doing CrossFit since the beginning of July. Working out is supposed to give you this amazing energy, right? I started eating healthier the beginning of June. Fueling your body with whole foods is supposed to make you feel better and give you more energy rather then dealing with crashes throughout the day, right?? I was determined to finally put my health on one of my priority lists. What I wasn’t prepared for was having a major setback in my journey to feeling better with CVS (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome). If anything, I thought everything would work together to make me this unstoppable person where I’d have never ending energy, I was fit, my brain wasn’t foggy, and I’d feel better on a daily basis and rarely get any episodes. I’d turn into this Super-Mom, Super-Wife, and Super-Worker. I’d be able to do everything and be exceptional at everything I put any sort of energy into. I typed up a daily schedule for myself 2 weekends ago to keep me on track and focused…and not forget about anything with the new school year starting. I wanted to make sure I stayed on top of all the mom duties, plus putting in over 40 hours of work in the week. I’m sure the good Lord is laughing at me right now. Because if anything, it’s been the complete opposite. It’s like after I typed out this schedule, God struck lightening down on me to make me ‘stop.’ Last week (the week I was supposed to implement this amazing schedule), was my worst week yet prior to starting my Chiropractic care.

So on Saturday morning, I sat down with one of the Dr’s and my husband to discuss the results of my latest scan. Before I get into my scans, one thing that I’m always baffled with, is this is the first time in my life where tests show, or can explain, exactly what I may be feeling like. I’m so used to everything always coming back ‘normal.’ Which can be good. But when you have something going on, and you KNOW something isn’t right, you want to fix it. And when things come back ‘normal,’ there’s nothing to ‘fix’ and they send you on your way to continue feeling your ‘normal’ crummy self.

But sure enough. My scans showed I was functioning back over on the sympathetic side and my body is stressed. Then they looked at what changes I’ve made since the last scan at the end of June. Which was my best scan, by the way.

Changes included CrossFit and eating Keto. And now I’m strongly recommended, in a round about way without really TELLING me what to do, is to take a detour and scale way back on everything I’ve been doing.

My husband said if he was reading between the lines of the Dr, he’s telling me to scale back from CrossFit so that we can get a good read on the causes of the major decline. He also talked to me about the Keto diet (which he started the beginning of the year, so he’s not against it by any means), but is suggesting it’s not the ‘right’ diet for me. And I’m one to take a professional opinion over my own. Plus, I wasn’t feeling well before starting Keto, if I’m being honest and paying attention to my body even more, I took a drastic decline with episode symptoms after starting to eat the Keto way. But now I hear people say it’s hard to stick with Keto long term, but I’m finding it hard to stop Keto. I guess he didn’t tell me to ‘stop’ it altogether, but that I should still implement healthy, complex carbs and natural sugars into my diet.

So I’m taking a detour. He recommended I scale back on everything, and increase my number of adjustments during the week again to get me headed back in the right direction. And then if I’m feeling better, I can add in some exercise…like yoga. But CrossFit is probably not in my cards.

I spent the weekend frustrated and irritated. I cried to my husband. I totally agreed with everything the Dr recommended, but I still don’t like it. I was out to prove myself I’m bigger then my condition. God has other plans for me, and I’m working hard on accepting that. So for now, I’m going to allow myself to just BE. And stay on top of laundry again being 3 of the days I was working out during said ‘laundry time.’ I’ll refocus my energy and re-do my daily schedule.

It was a good run. I completed the 6-week challenge and then some. I CAN do it. My body just chose to protest against it. I was able to notice positive changes not only on the outside, but also on the inside. I gained a better understanding of what ‘mindset’ truly is. I’m not finished yet. This is just a bump in the road. I’ll get myself feeling better and then find something that works for me. But first, I’m going to go eat some chocolate.

~xoxo

I’ve been contemplating whether or not I should do a blog post because some might think this is personal. Which it is. But we’re all adults. And we know how babies are made. And y’all. If you haven’t gathered by now, I’m an open book. My motto lately has been ‘sharing is caring.’ And if ANY of my overly informative blog, Facebook or Instagram posts into our family life can help just ONE person. Or make just ONE person laugh. Or let ONE person know they aren’t alone. Then I’ve done my job. Also, this blog is intended for our family. So others can pick and choose if they want to read about all of our goings on, and I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I hope my kids will enjoy reading these posts one day.

But back to babies…A little back story. We were in the process of setting up Travis’ ‘procedure’ in AZ when he got the job offer and we heard we had to move across country in less then a month. So obviously that got put on hold and forgotten about.

So now it was Monday, August 6th. I don’t even know why that was the day I finally took the time to call. Maybe because it was my twin brother’s birthday and all I could think about was not wanting one more baby, much less TWO! So thank you Mom, Rod, and Brent. You helped me pick up that phone and make the call.

I called and talked to the nice lady on the phone. Isla started crying and all that could come out of my mouth was ‘Yeah. We need to get this done ASAP!’ It’s true. I love my babies. I know that I am blessed beyond measure with each and every one of them. But I don’t want any more!

Fast forward to today…I started out the day texting our mom’s. Because that’s what you do, right? The last part of the text went like this:

‘I also thought it would help our marriage as I tell him at LEAST once a week that I will kill him if I get pregnant. So to make sure I don’t end up in jail and your son can live a long, prosperous life, I thought we better get the ball rolling.

His consultation is today and he’ll set up the procedure today as well. And then I can CONFIDENTLY say…

We. Are. DONE. 😂😅🙌🏼

You may carry on with your Tuesday 😘’

Let me explain. I was nervous if I ended up with a girl our 4th go round, that I would want another one to try to gift her a sister. Can we all agree a sister (biological or not) is the best gift to be given?? I have one biological sister and she is my best friend. But I was blessed with 2 step-sisters who I absolutely adore and are my favorite people in the entire world. Along with my sister-in laws who I hit the jackpot with. Sisters are simply the BEST. But after our Little Miss was born, the furthest thing from my mind was ‘gifting her a sister.’ Hell to the NO! #sorrynotsorry. Then we found out that my sister was expecting and soon after found out it was a GIRL!…On her first try!?! How does that even happen y’all? But anyways. Day. Was. Made. Isla Amelia Lynn, your auntie was going to gift you your sister-cousin. And they’d be Irish Twin Sister Cousins non the less. You following me?

So I had my husband go to his consultation today on his lunch break. Alone. People, it’s amazing the men in our lives know how to function without us! His texts went like this:

T: Did you give them all the answers they needed?

M: Yes, about insurance? Yes. They have it all!

T: What is our address again?

Awwww the poor guy is nervous! But listen here, I’ve given birth to 4 little bambinos! You can do this and the last person you’re getting sympathy from is me!

A little while later:

T: They are only at this office on Tuesdays. I told them I’ll have to call.

(Me thinking but did not text: Don’t you DARE step foot out of that office without making an appointment!)

What I did text was this: Well did you at least ask what the soonest Tuesday was that’s available and time? I still would’ve booked it. You can always re-schedule.

It was crickets on my phone the next few minutes and then the miraculous reply came in: Next Tuesday 9:30

Perfect! That’s the day before the big boys starts school. The procedure is only 15 minutes. Kylan doesn’t get picked up by the bus until 12:05. Guess what that means!?! The whole family will be headed to the appointment to show the Dr exactly WHY this needs to be done.

Because…I just can’t. This Mama is DONE. And my hubby…he was done 2 kids ago.

We love our little miracles, but our family is complete.

~xoxo

I’ve always had a thing for my kids and their shoes. When Talan was a baby/toddler, I’d always get him these soft sole Pumas. At one point I thought I’d save them and put them all in a shadow box to display at his High School graduation. Insert eye rolls and ‘you’ve gone crazy’ comments from my husband. But shoes are so symbolic to me. Their little feet. They show just how much they’ve grown. (Like thinking Talan could wear his basketball shoes from winter league basketball for basketball camp this last week. And having to get him a pair of shoes a whole size and a half bigger…with having to ask if he could just make it through his first day in his old shoes. Mom fail right there.) And now…this mama can fit into her 9 year old son’s school shoes. I never thought this day would come! (I do have small feet, but still!) I’m wearing my son’s shoes. Cue all the tears.

A new school year is upon us. We just met Talan’s teacher at his new school this past week. Oh my goodness. She’s seriously the best thing ever. And the perfect teacher for our Mr. Serious. She’s a hoot! I mean, when a teacher talks about having the kids working in a chocolate factory…with REAL chocolate as a classroom project, how can she NOT be the best teacher ever? He’s going to have a great year this year and I’m excited to watch him blossom even more.

I feel like the month of August is just as expensive as Christmas time getting everyone prepared. It’s also an extremely emotional time for this Mama. I guess what isn’t? But seriously. I remember Kylan’s preschool teacher last year at ‘Meet the Teacher’ night. All she did was say ‘Hi!’ And I seriously started bawling. Like ugly crying. She had to get a box of tissues. I kept telling myself, ‘It’s preschool Mandy. Pull yourself together!’ But the more I thought that, the harder I started crying. It means they’re growing even more so. And as exhausting as it is having them home with me 24/7, now they’re leaving the safe space my husband and I built for them.

And their shoes have to be replaced.

These shoes (minus Isla’s) will be what they walk in daily at school. They’ll be with them meeting new friends. Playing sports. Going on field trips. Learning more and more each day. They’ll be in a Lutheran school this year. They’ll be learning more and more about Jesus. Jesus will walk with them daily in these shoes. They’ll get worn. And tired. But they’ll make more memories. They may not even last the whole school year, but last years did…for two of them, surprisingly.

Every year I made sure to get a good picture from head to toe, to have some sort of documentation of their shoes that carried them through the year.

Apparently I didn’t get the sign memo for Talan’s first year of Preschool. Or actually, I think I did make a sign but I wasn’t happy with it. Oh well. But here’s my trip down memory lane…with new shoes and all.

Some years they got the shoes I wanted, and some years I had to pick my battles. But they are the shoes that walked with them. They were there when I was not. And I’m excited to see how much they grow – physically, mentally, and spiritually, in this school year…and hear about where these shoes have walked with them in all of their school days.

~xoxo

When I first started this blog in the beginning of the year, I wrote about my theme being ‘Living With Intention.’ So here we are. Over 1/2 of the year gone, and I’m doing my best to hold back all the tears. If you’ve been following along on my blog and Sweet #3’s journey, you’ll know the challenges and triumphs we’ve faced. But what also came with helping my child live his best life, full of abundance, also led his Mama to dig deep to figure out how to live my best life. How crazy is it that I had no idea what this year would bring with our Kylan Jack (or myself), and ‘Living With Intention’ was the most perfect theme to have this year!

Being diagnosed with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome at 11 and not having any treatments or medications work, just made me believe this was just how life was going to be for me. And I grew to accept that. Now here I am, in my 26th year after being diagnosed, and I’m just now figuring it out. I’ve been sick of feeling sick, but it took me having my 3rd child to realize maybe if I take care of myself, I can be a better Mom and Wife. It’s been a journey, but I’m starting just that.

I love all of my children just the same. They are all so uniquely different and make me laugh on the daily in many different ways. God knew just what this Mama needed when he blessed us with each of our kids, but the journey we’ve been on with Kylan Jack has finally led me on my own journey of BE-ing well. I never in a million years would have guessed that it is one of my own children who opened my eyes to trying to figure out how I can live a better life. I never realized how much I put my own well being on the back burner and just went through the day to day motions of believing this was just going to be my ‘normal,’ until these past 6 months.

But here’s the hard part: Doing The Work You Need To Do, To Get To Where You Want To Be.

I definitely didn’t wake up one day and say ‘I’m living my best life and I feel amazing!’ I had to dig deep to find my purpose. I’ve been searching 37 years to know what my purpose really was. I love serving people and making people laugh and help them feel amazing on the inside and outside. So why not serve myself first so I can serve others more abundantly? I love being a mom and taking care of all of their needs. So why have I been struggling to take care of my needs first, so that I can take care of their needs even better? I love being a wife, but having 4 little bambinos and not feeling good much of the time has caused us often times, to just go through the motions of the days and not prioritize our time. Together. Without our little ankle biters in tow. It wasn’t until a parenting class we went through at church, when we realized that the minute my husband gets home from work, we don’t even take 5 minutes to focus on each other. Ask how our day was. Give a hello and a kiss. And it’s not even difficult! You just have to intentionally put it into your routine. We’re still learning, and fall short some days, but we’re doing much better!

My journey to be well and live a more abundant life started when I became a Mom. Babies tend to do that to you. But 8-1/2 years and 4 babies later, made me intentionally dig deeper to figure it all out even more. I am not intended to sit on the side lines feeling miserable while my babies grow up. I’m not intended to go through a marriage just for it to be put on the sidelines because either I don’t feel well or we’re too distracted with our kids or things that don’t matter. I’m not intended to serve those I work for and the community we work with, with half of my BE-ingness.

This morning I was brought to tears thinking about the amount of changes I intentionally have made to create a better version of myself. And it’s just the beginning! It’s only been 6 months y’all! 6 months that I’ve been working on myself.

It all started with a parenting class at church in January, that led to Chiropractic Care in March, after having our Sweet #3 have a full Neuropsychological Evaluation done in February, and diagnosed with a Language Disorder and Social Anxiety in March, and having him start Chiropractic Care himself. Which led me to May’s Book Club reading The 5 Second Rule. Which led me to small changes around the home, that eventually turned into bigger changes, like meal prepping in June. To joining a 6-Week Get Fit challenge through CrossFit in July. To now today, deciding I’m going to drink a gallon of water a day. Y’all, that is going to be the hardest thing for me to date! I don’t drink water except what’s on my toothbrush with my toothpaste. True story.

I’m definitely not perfect. It’s almost 2pm and I haven’t made our bed yet. I usually make it right away. There are clothes that need to be folded. I usually fold them right away. (Since reading The 5 Second Rule, of course) But it’s not about being perfect every day. It’s about living the life you’re intended to live. It’s about falling and getting right back up. It’s about believing in yourself and not settling with what you think your ‘normal’ is. It’s about not comparing yourself to anyone else, because everyone’s journey is different. It’s about getting out of your head and changing the mindset you’ve been conditioned to have about yourself. It’s about working on yourself FIRST, so you can serve others around you with greater capacity. (My husband is probably reading this and thinking “I’ve been telling you this for the past 9 years!” — he’s been telling me this since our first born. Whoopsies!)

Here’s to finding my purpose and the journey of living my best life. And of course, Living With Intention.

~xoxo

I’ve been struggling to write…again. I started a Father’s Day blog and deleted it. I wrote another one that I don’t even remember what it was about. And deleted that one too. It’s the lovely summer break. I have such a love hate relationship with summer break. This popped up in my newsfeed this past week and it made me laugh. It is so accurate.Seriously. After school was out, I had it in my mind that I’d finally give the kids the ‘best summer ever!’ They weren’t going to be on their iPads all day. Talan had camp, then they’d have VBS. On Thursday the kids and I leave and will be gone 10 days. At the end of this month Talan and Grayson have basketball camp. Kylan had summer school for 4 weeks in June. We have Chiro appts, Speech and OT, and I still have to work. But I was determined to give my kids an amazing summer where we’d all sit around a camp fire and eat bon bons. We’d set up the tent in the backyard and camp out back. We’d go to the beach and parks. Every single day, of course. The list goes on and on. Kudos to you if you’re able to keep up with the facade of giving your kids ‘the best summer ever.’ But news flash! That’s not our reality. I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t keeping up. I feel sick if I’m out in the sun and not submerged in water. I had an absolute BLAST playing dodge ball with the kids…in the beginning of June. But now it’s just too hot. And I can’t keep up with all that comes with keeping my kids busy and happy 100% of the time while also working. It’s simply not realistic.

A live came on FB about allowing our kids to be bored. Hooray! I didn’t even get a chance to watch the whole thing. But it’s true. If you’re struggling with all that comes with summer break and keeping your kids happy and busy, it’s completely OK to allow them to be bored and make them use a bit of their God-Given imagination every once in a while. As fun as I’ve tried to make it for my kids (in June), Summer School ended for our Sweet #3, and it’s been a fun, challenging, exhausting, interesting summer ever since.

The below picture popped up in my memories this past week. I never showed anyone this picture. It was a picture I sent to my sister. We were living in AZ. We were just going through the motions. This is what ‘biting his nails’ looked like. As I sit here trying to hold back my tears, I’m thankful for the memories of the struggle. The hard days. And the worried days. Because on our current hard days, it reminds me how far we HAVE come.This didn’t bother him. At all.

Even if it seems like minimal progress at the moment, it’s still progress. I have to admit, I’m excited to get the results back on Tuesday from his latest scans. I don’t know if it’s because it hasn’t been his normal routine or what it is. But the whining and tantrums have been back with a vengeance if he’s not being kept busy or entertained 100% of the time. At first it was a ton of energy, which his scans definitely showed last time. You can read about it here. But it’s back to some very tiring and challenging days. Days where there’s no compromising. There’s no rationalizing. And looking back, ‘challenging’ and ‘hard’ is all perspective.

A couple weeks ago, my sister and I brought all the kids with to go look for dresses for the little girls for a wedding we have coming up. We went into a store that we had never heard of. It was for fancy occasions so there were big poofy dresses and there wasn’t much room in between one round of dresses from another. I was holding Sweet #3’s hand and holding Isla in my other arm. I look down and Kylan was trembling. It reminded me of night terrors he’s had. His eyes were bugging out of his head. Big tears rolling down his cheeks and he was shaking. He started gripping my fingers so hard that they started tingling. I tried asking him what was wrong. He wouldn’t talk. He just kept nodding ‘no,’ and couldn’t stop crying and shaking. I finally calmed him down enough to get him to explain what was wrong.

*Side Note: He’s afraid of men with beards No clue why. Obviously if he knows the man with a beard, he’s fine. But strangers. Forget it.*

He had seen a man with a beard carrying a crying child (before we were even in the store). He thought he was going to come and get him. He thought he was taking that girl and he was going to get him next. He pulled my hand and kept saying ‘Can we go?! Let’s go!!’ This was by far the worst he’s ever been.

I thought maybe the store was overwhelming for him. I don’t think we’ve been to a mall since moving, honestly. Just those outdoor malls. So I thought it had something to do with a different place.

Seeing your child in complete terror is not fun. I don’t want him to grow up being that afraid. Ever. In that moment, I felt we just took 20 steps back when dealing with his anxiety. But then I see a picture of what ‘biting his nails’ really meant, and I’m reminded that we are, in fact, making progress. Even on those hard days. We’re continuing to learn on a daily basis what works and what doesn’t. And it’s ever changing. However, that still doesn’t change the fact that right now is when I wish we were in AZ where school is starting back up in 2 weeks and we could get back to some normalcy. Because allowing boredom for this one, is hard. It’s much different than allowing boredom for the others.

Kylan Jack, we’ve got this. Talan and Grayson, we’ve got this. Isla Amelia Lynn, my little #stage5clinger, we’ve got this.

Here’s to summer break and allowing my kids to be bored every now and then. And to never forget how far we’ve come. Here’s to some fun days and some boring days and some in-between days. Here’s to embracing this messy and beautiful summertime journey together. And also counting down the days until school starts.

~xoxo