Living With Intention and Giving Myself Grace

We always knew our #1 was the favorite to each of the siblings. But until you have to drop him off at camp for the first time, you don’t really understand how much of the foundation of the family, the foundation of the kids, he really is. He is most definitely the glue that sticks them all together.

Example #1: I didn’t think Isla would go in the pool at the hotel because she hasn’t really liked any splash pads we’ve been to. Because of this assumption, I didn’t put my swimsuit on. Big mistake. She LOVED the pool and I had to be right there because she would jump in on her own if Trav was taking too long with one of the other kids. After a while she wanted nothing to do with Daddy (sorry Trav), and would only jump in to Talan or be carried around by Talan. We’re currently battling the screaming phase if she doesn’t like something. Which means she would scream if anyone else tried touching her. Insert mama eye roll. Definitely something we dislike, but my point is…Talan is her favorite. (Don’t tell G. He says he’s her best friend and always whispers to me that he thinks she likes him best.)

Example #2: Our sweet #3 has been the most out of sorts he’s been in a long time. Say a prayer for me in this coming week, because he’s been biting his nails constantly (which had been getting a lot better), having many melt downs, he hasn’t been easy to rationalize with, and cried leaving. I’m hoping a good distraction will be that he’s at summer school for 1/2 the day every day, and Grandma and Gramps will be visiting later in the week.

Example #3: Our sweet Grayson James. They really are best buddies. I was totally fine dropping Talan off and didn’t even get emotional until I saw how sad G was. He put his hat down low as we walked back to the car. He didn’t talk. When we were getting into the car, Travis asked if he was sad. In a quiet whisper he said ‘yeah.’ He went to his seat and put on his sun glasses along with keeping his hat down low. Queue the tears. My mama-heart hurt seeing his emotions of his big brother being away. The bond they have is priceless and I only hope it continues to grow.

It’s funny. While we were in Nashville, Papa told us that Talan told him he wonders if we paid more money, maybe he could stay longer. Every time he sees a brochure or some sort of ad for summer camps, he wants me to sign him up for another camp. Slow down buddy, let’s start with just being gone for 5 days this summer.

I think reality sunk in once we got there and he said getting out of the car, “OK Dad, I’m a little nervous now.” You can tell in all of the pictures (the camp ones) he has a very nervous smile. But the thing with Talan is he’s shy and unsure of himself at first. But it doesn’t take long for him to warm up. So I know he’ll be just fine. He told me after checking in at the first station with ‘Frisbee,’ she made him much more comfortable because he realized how nice everyone was, and he was “all better.” He was excited when she told him he had a super fun counselor, ‘Scoobz.’ (But what else was she gonna say, ‘Oh sorry. You’re stuck with Scoobz.’ Ha! Just kidding. EVERYONE was telling us he’s gonna have a blast with ‘Scoobz.’) His counselor has been going there since 4th grade and said he’s only missed 1 year. He was a junior counselor the past 3 years, and this year he’s a senior counselor. So he’s in good hands.

Anyways…I’m super excited to hear all about his first summer at camp (but hope he’s ready to come home and doesn’t ask me to pay more money for him to stay longer. Lol!)

Some activities will include bible study, zip lining, horse back riding, archery, swimming, crafts, mud pit tug-o-war, campfires, skit night, and we did see a big tire obstacle course! I wish I was going to camp! Friday night can’t come soon enough.

Here are some more pictures from our weekend!

I’m not sure how we’re gonna do when he’s the first one to leave us and go off to college. But for now, we’ll practice with 5 day summer camps.

~xoxo

‘As I held that small circle in my hand, the perfect symbol of our marriage and life together, I couldn’t help but think we had chosen a ring for a different life. Because what I expected isn’t anything at all like the way it turned out.’ ~ Hope Unfolding

As I’m reading this book a friend gifted me, not even a few pages in and many words are resonating with my life. Our life.

Our life most definitely hasn’t panned out the way I expected, but throughout our many trials, it’s better then I could have ever imagined.

One year ago.

One year ago, about a week and a half ago, we landed here in Illinois. 2 years ago to the day, I had memories pop up of having an ultrasound, with the boys in tow, showing them their baby sister that would be arriving in October. And 4 years to that day, we had landed in AZ! Talk about a day fully loaded with big, life changing, events. And here I sit, reflecting on it all. Both of those moves across country, we had sick kids. Like…throwing up and everything in between, sick kids. I’m going to take that as a hint that we should never make big moves like that ever again.

Moving to AZ they got sick in CO, and were sick until getting to AZ where the sun immediately fried any last germs they were holding onto.

Then prior to leaving AZ for IL, our family got hit with a stomach bug. I thought our sweet #3 was in the clear until he started getting sick the night before leaving. The night before. Trav had allowed 5 days for travel because we were hoping to turn it into a family vacation celebrating his new job and to just enjoy a little calm before the chaos that comes with moving and new schools, etc. Little did we know we would need 5 days for travel because Kylan Jack got it the worst of all. And we were on a time crunch because Trav had to start his job June 1st.We made it but houses were falling through during our drive and we would in fact, be a family of 6 with no home to have our stuff delivered to.

Life very rarely goes as planned. And boy have these last 4 years been proof of that. Arizona most definitely didn’t go the way we had planned it to go. But that experience allowed us to go through our biggest (I hope!) hurdles, to make us come out stronger then ever.

Trav tells me that this past year has probably been harder on him then our time in AZ. His job challenges him more then any other job he’s had, and then he comes home to 4 little people and a wife who would escape to her room when he gets home so that I could get some work done…uninterrupted. We’ve adjusted our routines and approach in the past month and I think we’ve found a good rhythm to this madness. This season of life that we’re in. This beautiful mess. We are continuing to learn. And grow. And rely heavily on one another. This past year proved that not all of our troubles would go away, but we’d just face different challenges. But we’ve taken it all in stride. It’s been emotional. And interesting. And hard. And amazing. I’ve cried sad tears and I’ve cried stressed out tears and I’ve cried happy tears. Clearly I’m a crier.

Through the different challenges and trials, so much good has come out of this past year. Like…a lot of good. Travis was blessed with a great opportunity putting him back into the corporate world, but also not making him start all over again in his career. Real Estate life is not for him, and that’s OK. If we didn’t take the risk and move out to AZ, I wouldn’t have found the work that I am doing now, which I have prayed about for years; since before I had kids! Jobs that would allow me to work from home and raise my babies, and not worry about the days I just don’t feel good. Because there have been more bad feeling days then good…until the past few months.

Which brings me to my health. My scan just a few weeks ago showed, for the first time, that my heart rate while in a ‘relaxed’ state, was actually relaxed! Scans prior to that one showed I was in a stressed state even when I felt like I was ‘relaxed.’ Amazing right!?! And my episodes have not completely gone away, that’s not what I was expecting. However, my quality of life on a day to day basis is night and day. I rarely don’t not feel well. I’m happier daily and I have more patience with the kids because I’m feeling well. If we didn’t move to AZ, I’m not so sure we’d end up in IL, where we would find this new approach to wellness. And I’m loving my new normal.

I will note…alcohol and heat/sun are still triggers for my episodes or not feeling well if I haven’t had an episode in a long time. But it’s awesome to pin point my triggers rather then just not feel good on a daily basis. You have no idea how thankful I am to PWC Chiropractic. They’re our new extended family and they’ll be stuck with us for life.

The effects Chiropractic work has done on our sweet #3 has also been amazing to watch. I truly have no words.

I think this past year has brought a new meaning to the word wellness. We didn’t even go through our typical annual month where we all get hit with a stomach bug that we pass back and forth for a full month! Literally a full month.

We are loving our Church family and will go through another change this coming school year when we put the 2 big boys in the private school. Kylan will continue to go to public school as long as he needs an IEP.

More goodness from being here is I was able to be here when my niece was born, I was able to be by my Dad’s side while in the ICU, and we’ve seen the Grandparents more often.

We’re excited to see what our 2nd year here brings. Hopefully it’ll be a bit calmer, but I’m not holding my breath. Ha!

We are thankful and blessed.

~xoxo

I see you, Mama. I feel for you, Mama. I was once there just a short while ago, Mama. It took me until just last month to realize it’s OK. You don’t need to explain yourself. No one else matters. Let people think what they want. The only ones that matter in your story are you and your child.

You see. I just got past my insecurities and comparisons of what my child can and can’t do about a month ago. He’s now 4-1/2. I used to get embarrassed he didn’t know any child characters when people would ask who was on his shirt or what he wanted to be for Halloween. I would get embarrassed when people would ask what color sucker he wanted and he would say “5” because he didn’t understand your question and he didn’t know his colors. When given the choice between a red or a blue sucker, he still wouldn’t know and would just give you a blank stare. I would get embarrassed. Just a month ago I was embarrassed when someone asked him to spell his name and he listed random letters without even getting the ‘K’ in there. I remember vividly starting to explain to this person, “he’s behind and doesn’t really know any of that yet.” I was talking OVER him when he was trying to answer the question and kept naming off random letters. I explained to my Mother-in-law I just feel like I need to sit and explain why he doesn’t know how to spell his name yet. And her response. “You don’t. You don’t need to say anything.” And she’s right. People are going to judge me as a mom regardless. Or they won’t. But I don’t need to go into an explanation of why he does or doesn’t know certain things. And guess what? I didn’t even realize he was naming letters. I was too in my head about what they’re thinking about me as a Mom, that I did not notice. He listed letters. Not numbers, not colors, not a random animal. He listed letters. And that in itself is a huge improvement. Because he knew what you were asking of him and he knows you spell with letters.

So when I see you every Wednesday afternoon when you get to therapy for your 20 month old. Please don’t be embarrassed. I don’t know your story. All I know is that your little boy is 20 months old. You carry him in, and he’s such a sweet little guy. He looks like he may have low muscle tone, but I don’t know. I don’t need to know. But when you see my 18 month old go charging for him, you tell him to stay up because “she’s 2 months younger and she’s standing better then you (him).” You say those exact words every week. But you don’t need to say those things, Mama. The comparisons are going to tear your heart out. The comparisons are going to beat you down. Trust me. I know it’s hard. Especially with social media and everyone showing what their child can do. But turn it all off if you need to. Focus on you and your little. Because that’s all that matters. Focus on the growth he may be making. Not that another child in the room is walking and running and standing better then your little one. Because he’s just as amazing. Speak encouragement into your child and you will watch him blossom.

I was there, Mama. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. I didn’t realize I was doing it. I would say “Oh he can’t do that.” Or “He doesn’t know what you’re saying.” And then I would try to shimmy my way out of the situation. I wanted to hide. I so badly wanted to sit down and just force him to watch some kid shows so the next person that would ask him what he wants to be for Halloween or what his birthday cake will be, he would have some sort of answer. I didn’t care what it was, just PRETEND you know who Mickey Mouse is. Please.

But that’s not who he was. I learned to see the world differently through his eyes. I learned to get into his head a little more. And we finally are finding the right professionals to help him. And it’s amazing.

Your little guy isn’t strong enough to stand very well and needs to hang onto a chair to stay up. And that’s OK. That’s why he’s getting the therapy he needs. You’re in the right place, Mama. This is your story to tell. No one else’s. And I’ll be cheering him on as I get to see little glimpses of change. He doesn’t need to stand as well as my 18 month old. The best thing you can do is focus on what he can do and the improvements he is making. And if there are none. Love that little boy fiercely. I know you do.

I’m still learning. But we’re in this together. I see you, Mama. And I’ll be praying for you and your sweet little boy.

~xoxo

My Mama Heart is overflowing ❤️ When I re-started my blog, I never in a million years would’ve expected the love and support I would be receiving. I started it for my own therapy and so my kids would have something to read about that happened in their early years. I use it as an outlet. And what’s even crazier, is that I’m putting myself out there when I struggled all through school and with my English writing classes I took in college. I was happy to get a C for my writing. My Father-in-law said it makes a difference in writing when it comes from the heart. And I couldn’t agree more. Granted, I don’t have anyone grading it, and I do my own editing so I’m certain it’s not perfect. But it’s me. It’s who I am and who my kids are. From the many comments, private messages, emails, and texts, to gifts that I received when my Dad was in the hospital, to Garfield items showing up at our doorstep for our sweet #3, to now a house cleaner gifted to me for Mother’s Day, words can not express my gratitude towards all of you. And even if you read my blog and it stops there, THANK YOU!! ❤️ Motherhood is rewarding but can also be so very lonely. Working from home can also be lonely for someone who loves interaction with people. (My husband and I should just switch roles 😂😂😂) But all of you make it not feel quite so lonely, and for that, THANK YOU!! 💕

My Mama Heart is overflowing ❤️ My boys’ favorite holiday seems to be Mother’s Day. It’s the sweetest thing, really. Ever since Talan was little, he’s always wanted to buy flowers for me when we’re out shopping. As sweet as it is, I always say no. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. But there’s always something else for $15 that we need. So on Mother’s Day, Travis always takes them to the store and they get to pick out the perfect bouquet for their Mama. Along with candy and a coffee, of course.

The excitement they have is absolutely priceless! Their little voices shouting “Happy Mother’s Day!” as they’re throwing the items on my lap, is hysterically awesome.

Mother’s Day for me started out with our sweet #3 waking up with croup at 4am and the 2 big boys yelling on the monitor in a panic, “MOM! MOM!” Travis ran into Talan at the top of the stairs as he was frantically waiting for us to get upstairs.

Then after we were done sitting *almost* 😉 outside for him to breathe in the cold air, I plopped myself on the couch. And then Little Miss Princess started having a fit because she was NOT going to let her Mama sit down!

We didn’t make it to church because Kylan was still struggling a bit, but he was not going to miss out on doing a store run with Daddy.

They got home and Trav made breakfast. We had a Mother’s Day Miracle with Grayson James eating scrambled eggs and bacon. The kid has been living off of cheerios and milk, fruit, buttered noodles, and crackers for 6 years, so it’s only normal that he would have a tummy ache, as his tummy was probably wondering what the heck just happened!

Isla had to sit on the big chair, while Kylan insisted on sitting in her booster. Kylan also just had to have a pink drink from Starbucks like his brothers, but Isla swiped that from him as soon as they got home. I’m glad they have an understanding. (Some of the time) This is our life. This is our Mother’s Day. Perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t change a thing. They’re the ones who made me a Mama.

And my favorite gifts of all are the school projects their teachers so graciously have them make. True story….G gave me his sometime mid week. K ripped his open and was about to ‘play’ with it until I realized what it was and said “NO! THAT’S FOR ME!” And T hung up his backpack on Friday as if nothing happened. So I go peaking in his bag. I see something. I yell upstairs with my Mom voice, “Talan! Come down here!…Did you have anything to give me?” Lololol! (Dead serious 🙈) The little stinker says “Yes, but it’s not Mother’s Day yet. You’ll get it on Sunday.” Ummmmm what!?! How did the roles just reverse and who’s kid is this anyways?? I’ve never been good with keeping surprises. But it was worth the wait. These make my Mama heart happy.

Kylan Jack’s (4-1/2yrs old):

Grayson James’ (6-1/2yrs old):

Talan David’s (almost 9yrs old). Seriously, so funny and sweet:

No matter the season you’re in, I hope that all you Mama’s have a wonderful day. To the Mama’s chasing after littles. To the Mama’s who are enjoying a restful day. To the Mama’s who have lost babies. To the Mama’s who have lost a child. To the ones that yearn to just be a Mom. To the ones who’s hearts are heavy because your Mom isn’t here with you but is now in heaven. To the Step-Moms who love and accept kids as their own. To the Mom’s who unselfishly put up their child for adoption to give them a better life. To friends who don’t want to be mother’s but still bless us Mamas with your friendship. To all those 2nd Mama’s out there, because it definitely takes a village to raise kids. To all the dog Mama’s out there. To the single Mama’s and the Dad’s who have taken on the Mother role. And of course, to my Mom and Mother-In-Law who have love, supported, and encouraged me on this journey of Motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day. To all of you out there, know how amazing you are and how many lives you’ve touched. Because you’ve certainly touched mine.

xoxo

If you can’t get yourself out of bed, then you’ll never be able to pursue all of the other changes that you want to make in your life. And if you take that simple step of taking control of your mornings, you’ll catalyze a chain of events that leads to change everywhere. ~ The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins

I’m reading this book for a book club I’m in. No, it’s not entirely about waking up in the morning, but for me, this was the initial reason why I just HAD to read the book. You see, I’m not a night owl and I’m not a morning person. Or so I thought. And with being a stay at home mom of 4 kids, a wife, and working 2 jobs, my life has seemed to be in a constant state of chaos. I’ve constantly been wondering how to make a change to make things seem a little less chaotic and messy. All. Of. The. Time.

This past week I started getting up an hour before the kids (6am). I’ve *slowly* started taking control of my mornings so that I’m not rolling myself out of bed when I need to be waking them up for school. My goal is to wake up 2 hours before them, but I started small. Remember. I love sleep, but more importantly, I NEED a lot of sleep to function. I always have. Oh how I wish this wasn’t the case. But it’s how it is.

The changes I have seen in my every day life the past week are absolutely indescribable. I have also found a new love for mornings and the peacefulness that they bring. As much as I’ve seen huge improvements in my daily life, now I told my husband all I want for Mother’s Day is a one time house cleaner. I’ve learned I CAN stay on top of things and not feel like I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off, which I never saw could happen. But to have time to completely clean the whole house and have a fresh slate is another thing. Especially because as I’m cleaning, someone else is making a mess in the next room. But guys. This. Is. Huge. It’s literally the difference of ONE hour that has changed my whole day! I can’t wait to see how things change when I get up a whole 2 hours early!

But now let me tell you about my day yesterday…

I decided to keep Kylan home from school so that I could go see my dad in WI. I knew I had to be back for a 3:00 appointment, and brunch was going to be at 11am. Plenty of time to drive there and back with the 2 littles, right?? Well my phone decided to have some major issues that started a week ago. I called last weekend (when it was actually letting me call out), and they told me I had one of the few phones that has a glitch. Apple will fix it for free but it’s a 10 day turn around. WHAT!?!? Y’all, it’s a huge glitch. You don’t realize how much you depend on your phone until features aren’t working. Since internet doesn’t work if I’m not connected to WiFi, I screen shotted my directions to have on my camera. But getting there is definitely not a straight shot. We’re talking 4 pictures of directions because of all the roads you take. Roads I don’t know. There would be no phone talking to me saying “in 1 mile, take exit X and make a left.” Nothing. Oh, and my phone won’t call out or text either. So if I miss my turn or get lost, I’m out of luck. Awesoms, right? So basically getting there with the 2 littles was all on hope and a massive prayer.

We did make it. Relief. But then I had to get back home…And by a certain time. Low and behold, I missed a turn. I was trying to figure out where the heck I was for a 1/2 hour until I stopped and asked someone how to get back on track. Thankfully I was only a couple miles from my turn, but I just wasted a 1/2 hour and now I’ll be late for our appointment I thought we’d be early for. And I can’t call them. I also can’t text my husband or sister to call for me! I HATE being late. And it wasn’t going to be 5 minutes late. More like, “I’m sorry, you’ll just need to reschedule,” late. Guys. This is tragic. How did people even used to function before phones!?!

So I finally arrive (25 minutes late). The whole staff was in the office right behind the front desk. All eyes were on me. I don’t even say “Hi.” All I do is hold up 2 gift cards they had just given me 2 days prior for my appointment being messed up a little (it seriously wasn’t even a big deal), and I just blurt out, “Well, here are your gift cards back because now I messed up! I got lost driving back from Milwaukee, and my phone isn’t working so I couldn’t call you! I am so sorry!…” They wouldn’t take my gift cards back, and they still got us in for part of the appointment. The kindness and grace they continue to show me is simply amazing.

But then I was 2 minutes late to get the big boys off the bus. And I couldn’t text my neighbor to see if she could get them for me. Because I have a Kindergartner, the bus won’t leave until they see a parent there to walk home with them. Talk about mom fail on so many levels. And it’s Mother’s Day weekend for crying out loud! I’m supposed to show everyone what a rockstar I am! Haaaaa!

As I’m leaving, the receptionist gives me a flower. I just say “Oh my gosh. I do NOT deserve this!” They’re response, “Yes you do! This is WHY you deserve it!” Why? Because I suck at life right now? Lol!

I do get to my boys. They were fine. The bus driver was fine. We were all fine.

I then had to take them all to Talan’s soccer practice. As I’m sitting at soccer practice, 6:15 hits and it hits me. “CRAP! Kylan’s supposed to be at his make-up swimming lesson from being sick last week!” When Trav asked if I could get Talan to soccer, I said yes of course! (Normally it’s my time to get uninterrupted work done!) But yesterday we were supposed to tag team and he’d do soccer while I did swimming. Mom fail strikes again.

We got home and ate dinner, and I got in a few hours of work. Phew!

But this morning…I. Was. Exhausted. There was no “5, 4, 3, 2, 1, launch!” I hit snooze until 7am. And this morning was pure CHAOS. Including my mood. I had less patience with the kids. Everything felt turned upside down because I didn’t wake up that hour earlier. One hour. Amazing right?… What’s even crazier is to think that this morning is what my normal used to be! Every. Single. Day. Granted it’s only been one week, but I was just shown this morning that I NEVER want to go back to my old ‘normal.’

So with major bags under my eyes, and chaos that my day is, I’m going to push through today, and start over tomorrow.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you Moms! Whether you’re a Hot-Mess-Mom like me, or a Have-All-Your-Ducks-In-A-Row-Mom. You’re amazing. And there’s always a tomorrow.

5, 4, 3 , 2, 1, LAUNCH!

~XOXO

P.S. I’m bringing my phone in on Saturday to get fixed! 😂😅

I’ve been struggling to find the words to write a blog. My family has been going through a lot recently and I’m starting to feel it. My mind is a cluttered mess. From trying to figure out the best care for my Dad and communicating amongst us 4 siblings more then we’ve communicated together in years because of distance (blessings in the midst of trials), to a stomach bug hitting the house, to swimming lessons, baseball practices, soccer practices, therapy appointments, Chiro appointments, and both of us working, busy is an understatement. (Oh, and yesterday my phone decided to not let me call out or receive calls…and it’s doing it again today. So just add it to the list of things I need to get figured out.) I feel like I’m on the constant verge of tears.

But after realizing I responded to an email to the wrong person this morning, and now as I’m making lunch for the 2 littlest littles, it all of a sudden clicked. It’s time to call a time out. A year ago, the slightest little mistake would have made me internalize and beat myself up for the whole day. The smallest mistake would be the end of the world inside of me. Today I fixed the issue, told myself everyone will make mistakes, I’m not perfect (how badly I wish I was, however), and decided to call a time out.

Last week my boss, mentor, and friend posted on FB that she ‘called a time out.’ Now the picture attached to her post was much different then what mine would be. Her picture consisted of pavement alongside green grass and tennis shoes. She just ran 5 miles. I don’t run. Picture the Friends episode of Phoebe. That is me.

https://youtu.be/W-IVhJLD0sQ

We’re also at very different stages in our parenting game. While she’s running the track with her teenage daughter, I’m just trying to go on a walk…but we have to stop every few steps to pick dandelions or yet another rock and stick. It’s the season of life I’m in and that’s ok.

So what does my time out look like? I wish that it was taking the 2 little ones outside or to the park for a 1/2 hour. But I looked around, and knew exactly what my time out needed to be at that very moment.

I’m sure most of you have heard the phrase ‘Cluttered house, cluttered mind.’ That is me. I’ve been so busy going going going, that my desk has been a disaster for far too long. The house has also been neglected for far too long. I absolutely LOVE being clean and organized, but figuring out HOW to keep up with it has always been a struggle. Add 4 kids to the mix and it’s room for disaster. While I’m writing this, my 4 year old has dumped out the bandaids all over the floor and left the room. Seriously? What was the point of that? But that’s my season. It’s a beautiful mess. So now I’m calling a time out. To re-center myself, the house, and my workspace.

I’m blessed to work alongside such a beautiful soul who is so wise. (Actually TWO beautiful and wise souls!!) To remind me…”It’s time to play a bigger game.”

~XOXO

My brother and I arrived at the hospital yesterday to my dad being alert…and even communicating! Not just giving us wiggles of the toes or a thumbs up. But knowing our names. Remembering that just a few hours prior one of his sisters and brother-in-law was there visiting him. The day before he was still barely following commands. So this change in a 24 hour period is what I would consider astronomical.

He talks and says, “Man. I didn’t think anyone would find me.” I explained “Peggy found you Dad! She got you here! She’s pretty amazing!” He responds, “Nah. She sucks.” I look at Brent like ‘ummmmm.’ We’re both puzzled but understand he’s not ‘all there’ yet. He opens his eyes, looks at both of us and gives us a little chuckle. He’s joking!?!…And then agrees with a “yup,” she is pretty great.

Then he yells out “Cumber!” I look at Brent and whisper, “Brent Cumber!?” He nods yes. Then he goes on “Come on man. Show em what you got!” He’s acting like he’s coaching a former student he had, I don’t know, 30 years ago!?!

And then he’s back and says something relevant. “Why didn’t anyone come?” I re explain “Peggy came, Dad. She made sure to get you help.” And then I ask, “Were you struggling a while Dad?”…And I lost him in the conversation again.

He asks to sit up. So I move his bed a little more upright. He tells me to keep going…So I do. He’s starting to go a little too far but tells me “more.” Brent asks, “What are you trying to do Dad?” He responds, “Get out of here.” I immediately put his bed back to the laying position. Lol! If he knows which child to ask to do things and they’ll actually do it, it would be me 😂🙈

But he’s talking. And he knows we’re there. He’s concerned when he doesn’t see you, and when you remind him you’re there, he raises his hand for you to hold it. I let him know he’s got an army of people thinking about him and praying for him.

The Lord is good. He makes no mistakes.

It’s going to be a long road to recovery. But I’m here, Dad. You’ve got this. And I’ll be here cheering you on. We all will be.

~XOXO

I walk down the hall. About to enter unit 25. I stop. There’s a nurse on both sides of him. A man is squirming. He has mits on his hands. Wires all over his head. Eyes open, but not ‘there.’ A tube coming out of his mouth.

I take another puzzled look. I walk all the way back down the hall and ask the front desk lady in the ICU if they moved my Dad. “My dad is supposed to be in unit 25 and that’s not him!” She walks back down the long hall with me. I look on the whiteboard and it still says ‘K Hassler.’ I say “well it still says his name but that’s not my Dad.” The lady asks for me “Is this Karl Hassler? She says that’s not him.” They both nod and say “yes it’s him.” I go on my tip toes to see him from a different angle. I just start crying.

He looks much different from when I left him on Monday night.

Here’s the thing. He is moving in the right direction. Albeit slow. But still improvements. It’s a 2 steps forward, 1 step back sort of thing. They explain that’s what the ICU is. It’s very fluid.

I knew they did an EEG. I had already heard initial results. I didn’t know he was going to stay hooked up for 24 hours. So the wires on his head aren’t a ‘bad’ thing.

They took the straps off of his arms and put weighted mits on his hands so he can’t grab his breathing tube. Again. Not a bad thing, but different.

He was squirmy. So he’s much less sedated. They’re trying hard to not have to keep using the heavy sedation. So not bad. But different. And actually an improvement since he is able to somewhat handle being less sedated for periods of time.

I’m exhausted. Yet I wake up at 5:30am with back to back dreams that my dad had died. I immediately look at my phone. I have texts and a missed call and my heart drops. It wasn’t ‘anything.’ I text my sister to see if she’s awake. She’s not. Which is a good thing. I had clearly marked on the white board in his room:

‘Point of Contact: Corrie – Oldest Daughter’ and included her phone number. (I am NOT the person for that role.)

If she’s not awake, they haven’t called. Breathe Mandy. And Pray. They said things were headed in the right direction right before I left.

But that’s still not my Dad.

This is my dad. (Although 8 years younger in this photo 😉)

God’s got this. He’s had the perfect plan all laid out for my Dad before he was born. But what I would give for him to say ‘Love you, Mandy.’ right about now. In his quiet demeanor. A man of few words. He still said it after every conversation. And he will say it again. Someday. Until then, I’ll keep telling him…’Love you, Dad.’

~XOXO

As I was driving back home from the hospital last night, I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, and my phone reminder went off, ‘write about what I liked today.’ And the tears just started running.

What DO I like about today??

In one of my first blogs, I had posted a link to a vlog about writing something every single day that you like or are thankful for. Because even on those hard days, it’s so important to find something to be thankful for.

As I was driving home I couldn’t help but think how hard today was. And the past few days have been. I’ve been at the hospital. Watching my Dad lay there sedated with tubes coming out of his body. It’s awful. I’ve also been the only one of his kids that has been able to be at the hospital. And that’s awful. Don’t get me wrong. We’ve all been in very close communication. And the love and support we give to each other, being miles apart, I can’t help but feel extremely blessed. But being there ‘alone,’ is hard.

My sister and her whole family unfortunately came down with the new strain of flu, and she was contagious until today. And my brothers live far away.

So what do I like about today?

Today was hard. We’re getting no answers as to why this is all happening. They still aren’t sure why he’s so confused/incoherent. His head scans came back normal. At first they were saying blood clot in the lungs because of his difficulty breathing. Yesterday’s ultrasound on his legs showed no blood clot. They’ve been saying he’s meeting criteria for Sepsis, but he’s not meeting criteria for everything. They did an MRI on his surgery site last night to see if there’s an underlining infection they can’t see. The Dr told me he’s thinking it’ll be unlikely it’ll show any infection, as his foot looks ‘good.’ But they can’t find the source of infection from any other tests, either. He came in with renal kidney failure, and that IS improving with the treatment they are doing to liven up the kidney. (He only has one to begin with) They thought they could start weaning him off of the heavy sedation to remove the breathing tube eventually, but yesterday morning his X-Ray showed his lungs were worse, and they said they had to get him back on the stronger sedation and keep him heavily sedated and don’t want him stimulated at all. I ask how long he’ll be heavily sedated before they try to wean him off again. The answer is “this is where we like him.” Well that’s nice, but I don’t. I want my Dad to wake up. I want to let him know I’m here and that Corrie and Brent will be there tomorrow (today). So I do. I don’t know if he’s hearing me. I ask if he’s showing any improvement with all of his numbers or if he’s staying the same. She said today he’s just stayed the same. I’m thinking “what are you going to do to get him to improve!?!”

I get a call that Kylan and I missed our appointment. I said that couldn’t be, our standing appointment is always on Tuesday, Friday and Saturday! She explained I switched the appointments around this week because of them being closed 2 days. I just start crying. She probably put in my notes, ‘DO NOT call and let her know she misses appointments ever again.’ LOL! My husband called back and got it straightened out for me.

So what do I like about today (yesterday)?

What I liked today was this…That my dad is only an hour and a half away and I could be there while my other siblings couldn’t.

I loved going out to eat with my Aunt Peggy. We had a lot of laughs. Laughing’s my favorite.

I LOVE that he’s now so close to many of his siblings (he has 15). They are his people. His tribe. And they love him. And they love us 4 kids.

I love that my husband was able to work from home and hold down the fort on the home front and has been so gentle, kind, loving, and supportive to me.

I love how even though my sister has been sick, she’s been a huge source of all communication and has been in close contact with the Dr’s and nurses to relay all information. Processing hard information and then trying to relay information is not my strong suit.

I loved hearing my brother got a flight from Alaska and will be here tomorrow (today), at 8:00am. He’s the brains of the family.

I loved talking to my mom. Because no matter how old you are, you still need your mom.

There’s always rainbows in the midst of the storms. You just have to find them.

~XOXO