Living With Intention and Giving Myself Grace

“YES! It is SO ‘normal!’ I feel like a crazy lady because I’ve been saying this to everyone he’s had evaluations with, and it NEVER shows up when he’s being evaluated or even at school! I swear I’m not crazy!”

These were close to my exact words to the sweet lady yesterday who Kylan was being evaluated by to get approved for private therapy.

She brought him out to me because he had to go to the bathroom. I brought him to the bathroom, and when he made a comment to me while we were in there, “Mom, does she know?” and then not able to complete his thought or tell me what he meant, that prompted me to tell her that he does this a lot, and I had forgotten to mention this example when we briefly went over what is going on. Every time we go to the Chiropractor he tells me, “Mom, don’t ask them!” I continuously ask him, “ask them what buddy?” And he has yet to tell me what he doesn’t want me to ask them. So I just hope and pray I don’t say the wrong thing whenever we go in there. Ha! But after we got done talking about that, she explained how she asked him if he was chewing gum because he was chewing something. He had turned away from her to then hide that she had caught him with something in his mouth. After he knew it was OK to tell her and he wouldn’t be in trouble, he took it out of his mouth and showed her. It was a piece of rubber. Or something similar. He told her it was from his shoe. Gross. Cue a face palm. BUT y’all, I’ve been waiting for this day to come! I was ecstatic this happened! Not because I want my child chewing on rubber, and especially rubber from his shoe, but because so many different behaviors he does for us, NO ONE else sees during evaluations or even at school. Being he’s incredibly shy with new people, he’s simply not himself.

He still hasn’t shown anyone his extremely goofy, quirky, and busy personality. But yesterday was the day he showed SOMEONE that he chews on items that are clearly not meant to be in your mouth, and I seriously wanted to do cartwheels. Lol!

Then the other amazing moment? The speech pathologist is now the THIRD person we’ve seen, who after doing his evaluation, said she was thinking, “he needs to go see Dr Ferre!” Dr Ferre is a world renowned Special Audiologist who he just saw last week. She explained she was thinking he had to see her until she looked at his paperwork and saw that had already happened, and wanted to know what she said.

My sweet #3 is just like his Mama. He’s a complex little guy that might take a bit longer to figure out. Just like me. No one could ever figure me out. Ha! He saw Dr Ferre, and auditorally he’s processing information the way a 4 year old should. Yet you would think there has to be something going on with his lack of processing information and comprehension. I guess only time will tell. I have been told that you’re usually not diagnosed with an Auditory Processing Disorder until closer to 6 years old. But as of right now, she says he’s where he should be.

Our next steps are having him evaluated for OT services. And because of his “significant language deficit,” the recommendation was private speech therapy twice a week. Both of them being 1 hour sessions. My calendar between work, the 2 big boys in sports, all 3 boys in swimming, and these appointments is starting to make my head spin a bit. But I’ve got this!

Putting the puzzle pieces together on our Kylan Jack, continues. On a side note, doesn’t he have the best smile?? Just like my Grandpa did. When he was first walking (and probably for a good year), he had the same shuffle that my Grandpa had too. He sure does melt a Mama’s heart.

In other news, Monday morning it was raining/misting. The minute it hit Grayson’s face, he looked up at the sky and says, “Oh come on!!” Seriously. The kid cracks me up. And he’s over winter.

Talan started soccer on Monday night, and now asks me every day after school if he can go to the park where practice is, so he can kick around the ball. Yesterday I had to remind him it won’t work too well with snow on the ground. I don’t have the heart to tell him that todays practice is already cancelled. This kid refuses to wear a winter jacket still, and is loving not being in the extreme heat. He’s a true Midwestern boy at heart.

G is anxiously awaiting baseball to start, being for his age group/league, they don’t start practices until it’s at least 55 degrees. At this rate he’ll be starting in June. But he’ll be ready! He wears his team hat every day!

And the Little Miss? She’s not even 18 months old and already tries pushing her brothers out of her way if she wants something or screams at them if they’re irritating her or takes her toys away (this drives us crazy, but the boys think it’s the funniest thing ever. Oy), she’s extremely independent, and is starting the fun new phase of not wanting to be carried…or even hold our hand in parking lots. So we had our first “parking lot melt down” last weekend. It was awesome. She continues to bring us so much joy, many laughs, and is our constant reminder that we are DONE 🤣💕

~XOXO

I don’t know where to begin really. I feel thankful and relieved. Prayers were answered in a big way. We’re shown, once again, that we’re headed in the right direction. I not only can feel we’re headed in the right direction, but I can SEE we’re headed in the right direction.

We had Kylan’s Special Audiologist appointment on Wednesday that his pediatrician actually wanted him to see a while ago. We wanted to take it one step at a time and see what the Neuropsychologist thought as well. After her agreeing and recommending that be a next step, we made the appointment.

I looked up what a Special Audiologist will do and what could possibly be the outcome. That’s when my husband told me to get off the internet. However, I wasn’t looking for some terrible diagnosis, but I wanted to be informed and prepare myself for what may be. I wanted to understand more. I guess that’s what kids do to you. Or to me, at least. But when I read ‘Auditory Processing Disorder; Treatment can help, but this condition can not be cured.’ I panicked a little bit. I immediately texted my sister who talked me out of all my dramatic thoughts. Lol. I knew he’d be ‘OK,’ but to possibly hear that he could have a life long condition of not understanding communication with others, would be hard. It’s already been a very challenging and exhausting 4+ years.

I can feel myself getting anxious when people ask him simple questions like, “which color would you like?” when offering him something, and him just staring at you because a) he doesn’t understand what you just asked. Or b) he doesn’t know his colors well enough to say he’d like the red sucker. I feel like I have to explain who he is to everyone. He looks like a sweet little 4 year old boy. And he IS a sweet little boy. But I constantly feel on edge as if everyone’s judging my mothering skills when my child can’t respond to a simple question. Sounds dramatic, but in this day and age when seeing what everyone else’s 4 year olds are doing right at your fingertips, these are my constant thoughts. But yet I’m so proud of who he is. He brings us so many laughs. Every single day. And he doesn’t think he’s different from anyone else. I wish adults had the same blinders on that young kids do!

I’m trying to document him with pictures and videos as much as possible so that we can look back and see just how far we’ve come. Especially on the more challenging days. The video below, is one I posted in my IG account on March 11th. It’s now March 30th, and although I haven’t had him do a talking video recently, he’s already talking so much more…And making more sense 😂

This next video he had me take just this past week. I absolutely love his enthusiasm and excitement he has for everything.

We have a ways to go. But I want to put these in my back pocket. He’s already improving and changing so much, but these videos bring me so much joy.

We did received the awesome news right away that he he does NOT, however, have auditory processing disorder, and his brain is processing information the way it should at 4 years old. Yay!!! His hearing is on point and we can cross that off our list!

His Speech Pathologist at school called last week saying how much he’s improved the past month and doesn’t seem ‘stuck’ any longer either, but is making amazing progress in his therapies. Which means the treatment plan we have him on is working! We’ve been noticing little changes at home, but to hear that they’re seeing changes at school as well is so encouraging! He definitely still has his moments (we knew it would be a process and not immediate results), but his daily behavior has already been improving, he can calm himself enough at night to fall asleep before his brothers (this is huge!), and his speech and language is also developing so much. It really is so cool to watch! Trav and I just sit and laugh and smile with amazement at some of our conversations we have with him.

I hope everyone has time to pause and reflect on this Good Friday of God’s Amazing Grace.

~XOXO

Obviously the point of my blog is to write about my kids and our experiences. As challenging as things can be, I never want to forget what life has thrown at us. The good and the bad, and even the in-betweens. I hope one day my kids will love reading back on these blogs and know how much their Mama tried. Even when I was completely worn down and felt like a failure, I tried. How much I rooted for each and every one of them to be the best little people they can be…and someday turn into the amazing adults they are meant to be!

But today, this blog brings me to one word. HOPE. This word has gotten lost in my personal vocabulary a long time ago. And while I like to consider myself a positive person, and definitely don’t dwell on what life has thrown my way, I would literally give anything to put ‘hope’ back into my vocabulary.

A little history about my story. I was diagnosed at age 11 with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. It’s a pediatric disorder that I have never grown out of. Thank goodness I’m not vomiting 15-30 times anymore in just one episode, however. Because this used to be my normal. Now days, I can ‘bounce back’ pretty quickly and they don’t last nearly as long. So the severity has lessened. But my quality of day to day life still suffers. After an episode is over, I feel immediate relief knowing I’ll be good for a few days to a week. Y’all, I live for my good days! I feel like I need to conquer the world. I’m the most productive with work, I plan my days more, I say ‘yes’ to most things without hesitation or fear, I’m more patient, I’m way less irritable, I cook something other then spaghetti…I feel great! But immediately, once those few days to the one week mark hits, I feel crummy. Awful most days. My goal many days is just to get through the day. Big goal, right? My symptoms include chronic fatigue. Dizziness. Headaches. Lack of focus and memory. My balance and coordination is off…because, well, I feel ‘off.’ I get what I call ‘my leg things.’ (Super professional, I know, right? Lol!) But I get these episodes of being dizzy, my brain/head tightens and closes in, and my legs stiff up. I look drunk when I’m walking because I have to focus so hard to stay on my 2 feet. I’ll never forget my first experience with my ‘leg things.’ I was at volleyball practice and my leg literally flew up in the air and I fell on my butt. I had no idea what had just happened! Dr’s never even TRIED to look into what those might be.

I honestly can’t even explain how I feel, nor do I want anyone to ever feel this way. But finally, after all of those symptoms have been happening for 2+ weeks, I get the ‘full blown’ episode. And then I’m better. Yay! Relief!

I haven’t gone to a Specialist or even a General Practitioner since my early 20’s. Nothing has helped so I’ve just learned to deal. So when we went to the Perfect Storm workshop for our #3, I had a little hope that they could help me, too. We got Kylan Jack started on a treatment plan first, and then I decided to make my own scan appointment. My husband tries to tell me constantly, “you can’t take care of the kids if you don’t take care of yourself first.” I believe this to be true. Somewhat. But I also feel Moms are wired much differently then Dads. This isn’t to knock on his fathering skills at all, because he’s a great Dad! But he will literally make his sandwich and take his time eating while kids are crying and screaming for attention or because they need something, and he can just tune it out! Like, what!?! How do you even do that?? And then he flips it on me saying that’s what I need to do. The kids can wait. They’ll live. Take care of yourself first. And then asks me, “If the plane is going to crash, do they tell you to put your kids mask on first or your own mask?” Anyways, you get my point. As you can tell, this can be a frequent conversation in our household.

Saturday was my ‘Report of Findings’ appointment. I’m shocked. Blown away. And I have HOPE for the first time in years.

First of all, this Chiropractor could tell me what my symptoms were without me telling him my symptoms just by looking at my reports. Crazy, right?

In my report it shows that I function primarily on the sympathetic (gas pedal) side (which is common for mom’s), and my central nervous system gets stuck in flight or fight mode. My body functions only in a stressful state and doesn’t know how to regulate itself back, which is why I only get a short window of time of feeling ‘good,’ before I start feeling awful again. Even if I go 3 weeks in between episodes, 2+ of those weeks I don’t feel well.

If you’re a science nerd (I am not, but learning all of this has been fascinating), my C1, C2, and C3 lit up like a Christmas tree, which effects everything I mentioned above. (Headaches/migraines, dizziness, focus, memory, balance/coordination, fatigue).

It also showed that my T10 – adrenal glands (stress response) didn’t even graph. Meaning, my body is completely worn out and doesn’t know how to heal itself or bounce back any longer. Therefore, I’m in a constant state of stress.

They love the heart rate scan because your heart rate doesn’t lie. After doing the heart rate scan over a 3 minute period, so that I’m in a relaxed state, my heart rate was all over the place. (Side note: I felt completely relaxed while doing it)

He explained that I probably feel like I have a constant hangover. These are words out of his mouth without me even putting the idea out there. And he’s absolutely right.

So today, I not only have hope for myself. But I have hope for my kids and my husband. And everyone who has to deal with me. Because it’s not easy y’all. I talk about my kids needing patience and grace, but many times I’m looking for patience and grace from those closest to me.

Some may say I’m jumping the gun putting this out to the universe for everyone to see…or everyone who reads my blog to see. But my excitement and the HOPE (along with my many prayers) I have for this treatment plan to work, is something I felt compelled to write about.

It’s been a long road. One that I’m not confident will ever end, but I’m HOPEFUL it will get better. And I can’t wait to see what these next few months bring.

~XOXO

Does your church have those “quiet bags” for the kids to have during the service? They stress me out. They get dumped out. Crayons go everywhere. People around us are always picking them up and handing them back to me. They put different little activities in there. Flash cards. Something with a shoe lace to weave in and out of holes. A stuffed animal. A magnifying glass. A clip board with pieces of paper. This “quiet bag” is NOT quiet. Times it by 3 and our row looks like a hurricane went through it in one hour.

This past Sunday, I randomly decided to put Kylan in the nursery with Isla right away, rather then wait until he became too disruptive, and the 2 older boys came to church with us. We walked in a little late and the usher had to find us a seat. Of course it had to be right up front. As we’re about to walk in, my oldest asked if he could get a bag. I said “No. absolutely not. You don’t need that!” The mean mom that I am thought “we never needed quiet bags when we were little. By 3 we learned to sit quietly during the whole service and even participate!” Well maybe not, but these were my slightly dramatic thoughts.

But then it happened. The usher, bless his heart, brought up 2 “quiet bags” and children’s bulletins for Talan and Grayson. As I’m clutching my teeth together I give him a tight lipped smile and say “thank you.” As genuinely as possible. I took a few deep breaths and realized we don’t have the main culprit of the tornado and the instigator of the arguing about wanting what his brothers have, because he’s in the nursery. I’m telling myself it’ll be fine. I just hope they don’t draw another monster with a sword sticking in his neck. Or an ‘angry pineapple.’ Because these are in fact, what boys draw. Regardless where they are.

But then I happened to look over at my #1, and these were his drawings throughout the service:

Cue all the good feels. My eyes welled up with tears (it doesn’t take much these days. Just say “Hi, how are you?” And my eyes will well up with tears).

Not only that, but I didn’t have to force them to stand when everyone else was standing. I didn’t have to quiet them. There wasn’t a mess in the aisle. He was, in fact, listening even though he was drawing. And it made my Mama heart happy. I still believe at 6 and almost 9 they should be old enough to sit through a church service without needing a distraction, but right now, it’s about getting through this season of life. And I’ll pray they can slowly get rid of needing the distractions to make it through. I feel like they know they don’t NEED it, but they know it’s there and these bags have become apart of their church ‘routine.’ P.S. For the love of ‘routines’ make it stop!

The picture below, on the left, happened to pop up in my memories today. The picture on the right was them walking out of church on Sunday, and Talan helping Grayson walk through the wind.

We’ve got many years left in this season with our youngest being 16 months old, and our 4 year old often times feels like we’re dealing with a 2 year old. So for now we look for the little blessings along the way. (And write about this season so that it’s never forgotten) Because the Lord is working in my little people. And yes Talan David, the Lord IS Good.

~XOXO

One of my favorite baby pictures of our sweet #3 popped up yesterday morning when I couldn’t focus, and I started getting anxious about our feedback appointment we were going to yesterday. It was definitely a day where I doused myself with oils and felt an episode coming on multiple times. But I made it. We made it. And we have answers. And best of all…it ALL makes sense! And this Mama Bear agrees with the diagnosis. 110%. It’s going to be a journey and I’m so excited to learn and go through it with him. And be his biggest cheerleader and advocate for him.

This kid right here? He actually had a fever of 104.5 in this picture. This little dude doesn’t let anything stop him. Nothing. We started a 6 month treatment plan this week, and because it’s realigning and balancing out his body the way it’s supposed to be working, some things may get worse before they get better. And apparently getting sick is one of them. As miserable as he was for a couple hours, tossing and turning, he refused to just lay on the couch when I grabbed the boys from the bus stop. So miraculously, he’s “not sick anymore.”

Here he still has a high fever. But he decided to wait for Auntie to get to our house instead of coming with me to grab lunch quick. So he put a jacket on (with no shirt on underneath), and flip flops on, because Spring? And waved goodbye. No matter how sick he is, he won’t miss a thing. And I truly believe he was made to be the most persistent, stubborn little guy ever, to prove he’s a force to be reckoned with.

I think most people have heard of a Speech Delay. They always ask at those 12, 15, and 18 month appointments how many words they can say. Honestly, I’ve been a terrible Mother in this regard and never sat and counted how exactly many words they can say. If they say a few words, awesome. If not, they’ll learn…right? Our #3 has been average in all of those early developmental stages, so when school gave him the broad diagnosis of ‘developmentally delayed,’ it was a bit puzzling. I knew things were ‘off.’ I didn’t know what or how, but we’ve always known there was something. He maybe didn’t have the 15 words by 18 months, but he had words, and nothing too alarming was making us wonder about speech. But it all makes sense.

He has a Language Disorder. NOT a speech delay. Language Disorders occur in 7% of children.

When a person has trouble understanding others (receptive language), or sharing thoughts, ideas, and feelings completely (Expressive language), then he or she has a language disorder. ~ASHA

Below is one of the reports from his evaluation:

Kylan was shown a picture about 2 children baking cookies for school, and then he was asked to retell the story as best as he could remember. Kylan’s recall was, “the sink went and then the oven said the oven had white on, yeah, through here and then and then from up.”

Wow.

We knew he seemed to not comprehend things when being talked to much of the time, but we didn’t realize the extent of the information he is completely missing.

The Dr. also pointed out that when he had to do an exercise where she was like a mime and not talking at all, he scored average. He was confused at first and asked, “why you not talk??” But he got it! The minute language was brought into the picture, he scored extremely low.

So of course behavior ‘issues’ will also be a thing. And it’s all based around his lack of language. Besides being a 4 year old boy, of course. Give a Language Disorder to a 3 and 4 year old and you pretty much have a tornado on your hands. Ha!

Our next appointment will be to see a Special Audiologist to rule out…or learn, if he has something going on with his hearing. But I am so thankful to have some answers to help this sweet boy of ours.

They also diagnosed him with Social Anxiety. He has a hard time transitioning with new people and just freezes. This diagnosis does not surprise me. On Tuesday he asked questions over and over again about if it was going to be a man or a girl who he sees. If they’ll have a beard, etc. He did NOT want to go to his appointment. When it was time to leave, he started collecting the garbages from the bathrooms to take them out. As if that would get us to stay home. Lol! So he most definitely does have anxieties with new people and new places. However, after texting with my cousin, who’s a Speech Pathologist, it makes sense. If we had a language disorder, I think I’d cling to my safe space and people I knew as well. I’m hoping that with his therapies, he’ll gain confidence in himself. He LOVES people and he loves being with those he knows love him. But I want everyone to see what an amazing little boy he is!

On a Side Note: My #2 also seemed to have Social Anxiety and would cry just looking at a new person…or even someone he knows well! He went off to Kindergarten and has gained so much confidence! So I’m not disregarding this diagnosis, but I do hope and pray that with time and getting him the help he needs, Kylan will gain confidence in himself to experience and show others how awesome he is.

He may not ever be the smartest kid in the classroom, and he may have some hard struggles ahead of him. But the number of people that say how he’s just the sweetest thing, fills my Mama heart up more then I can describe. Because that right there is my biggest wish. To raise kind adults, who work hard no matter their struggles, and who love their Lord. Because He is who will carry them through.

~XOXO

It’s been over a week since I took Facebook off of my phone. I wanted to deactivate my account altogether, but for some reason it was going to deactivate my work profile page as well (even though I have a different username and password for that account), so the next best option was to get rid of it from my phone.

So here I am, over a week without constant access to what I THOUGHT I loved and couldn’t live without, and I don’t even miss it. (For the most part) Here’s the thing though, getting rid of it didn’t help in areas I was hoping it would help with; it hasn’t helped get my act together when it comes to figuring out HOW to keep the constant messes in this house at bay. I’ve come to terms with it being this season of life I’m in. And as much as I tell my husband I’m going to lose my mind and I can’t take this messy house any longer, I’ll try to embrace it. ‘Try’ being the key word there.It also hasn’t helped me stay on top of the mounds of laundry that I thought it would help with. It hasn’t helped with dealing with the constant papers that come home from school and create clutter that is driving me 1/2 crazy. (I’m in the process of reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up. By Marie Kondo. Also known as the ‘KonMarie/Japanese method.’ I can’t wait to finish it and start the declutter process)

I’m pretty much adopting the term ‘hot mess mom’ and I don’t feel one bit bad about it at all. Because here’s what it has helped me with…

Being intentional and present with my day. And with my kids. And as a family. And with my jobs.

I was hoping I would miraculously find all this time I had been ‘wasting’ when I would aimlessly scroll through my newsfeed, but surprisingly, that didn’t happen. What did happen was watching my boys at their swimming lessons. Every minute of it. Watching Grayson have the biggest smile on his face the whole entire lesson, is a memory that I will forever have. We just finished week 6, and he still has his big toothless grin the whole lesson the same way he did in week 1! And seeing Kylan in week 6 compared to week 1 was so fun! I love being their biggest cheerleader in life.

It’s also helped us incorporate a fun new bed time routine and it has allowed me to not be so frustrated because I’m exhausted and “just want them to go to bed!” Instead, we are taking the time for them to say 1 thing ‘sad, glad, and mad’ that happened during their day. Kylan Jack says some pretty funny things that doesn’t make sense much of the time, but I absolutely love this time with them. My boys don’t say a whole lot about their day, so this has helped tremendously with getting them to talk and hearing about things I wouldn’t have heard about otherwise! (This idea was adopted from our parenting class we went through at church)

It allowed me to do something simple and fun for the kids for Valentine’s Day and being happy with how happy THEY were, without me having access to compare how lame it may have looked compared to some other rock star mom!

It has forced me to take the time to read, to help decompress my Mama soul at night. And actually go to bed when my body is telling me to do so!

What I have missed are sharing some funny stories about my monkeys. Like Grayson thinking his shoes are getting ruined. When I asked if he had holes in the soles, he said “No! My toe is just all the way up to the edge!” I had to explain his shoes aren’t getting ruined, he’s just growing!

Or the sweet stories about Talan…I fell on the ice carrying Isla a couple days ago. Talan was so concerned, and the boys didn’t make a peep in the car waiting for the bus after that. They’re usually wrestling and crazy as can be. But nope. It’s like they were mourning something. Haaaa! He just kept asking if I was alright. He melts this Mama’s heart.

I still have posted things here and there on Instagram, because some things I just can’t help myself with. Lol!

But IG doesn’t suck me in the way FB does. I’m over it within a few minutes.

Next week is going to be what I can only imagine will be exhausting. And emotional. And eye opening. And a huge learning experience. And the best thing for Mr. Kylan will be for his Mama to be present and rid myself from life’s many distractions.

So here’s to continuing to better myself and be more present in my daily life. I can’t say that I’ll be gone from Facebook forever. (Staying home can be a lonely world) But for now, it’s what this Mama heart and mind needs. To stay focused on what matters most.

~XOXO

P.S. I’ll continue to share my blog through FB and IG, so keep a look out if you want to keep up with all the goings on with my journey to being more intentional with my time and present in my day ♥️

What started out as a very trying week that needed a mindset shift in a major way, only proved I CAN turn things around if I intentionally choose to do so. It took a whole lot of prayer and some deep breaths. But the spot I’m in today is much different from where I was in the beginning of the week. Certain circumstances can make it harder to change your mindset, and this week was full of them. I’ve been frustrated and down and I couldn’t pull myself out of this funk. But yesterday I was able to celebrate some small wins. Some small little miracles that for us are so BIG. And my mindset shifted. God is working in my little people even when I’m feeling like a failure as a Mom.

My mindset had to shift a little bit when after 2 weeks in daycare, we decided to keep the Little Miss home with me and I would just continue to plug away however best I can. My days are not perfect. They’re messy and unpredictable. They’re exhausting. And some day I’ll be so thankful for this time I had. But today, I’m tired. Kudos to everyone who has this ‘work from home/full time Mom’ thing figured out, because I’m still trying to figure it out. And as soon as I think I have it figured out, routines change.

Like this guy refusing naps this week, which in turn turned to him trying to make his own bagel yesterday even though I told him he had to play quietly so that Mom could get some work done…and then I hear smoke detectors going off and the kitchen filled with smoke. (Just add it to my list of what I need to child proof. Basically needing to barricade off the whole kitchen at this point) It still smelled like burnt toast when Daddy got home from work. I give him kudos though. My 8-1/2 year old has just started making his own toast.

Culprit 1:

And then this one.

Culprit 2:

My mindset had to continue to shift when not only did we decide to keep the precious babe home, but also take away her main comfort…the Baba. You know she’s slightly attached when handing her over to the nursery staff on Sunday morning she starts crying and I explain that her bottle is in the side pocket if she needs it. The sweet older lady says, “Can I just give it to her now? Is that OK? She reeeeeeally loves her bottle!” Then my husband said he was walking past 2 other ladies in the church talking amongst themselves about how cute she is and how much she loves her bottle. The one lady corrected the other one and said “her baba. She loves her baba.” So Little Miss, it’s time to cut ties. Clearly the word on the street is how much you love your baba and this is just one small thing that stinks about growing up!

Mom Fail Note: I forgot bottles were in the dishwasher Tuesday morning. She. Was. Freaking. Out.

My mindset had to change when I couldn’t attend MOPS Tuesday morning because I wasn’t about to put the nursery ladies through an hour with the Little Miss not having a bottle.

I now know why parents just give up on small battles, such as getting rid of a bottle because they are *gasp* 3 months past when you’re supposed to get rid of it, once they have their 3rd or 4th child. You are emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. Not only are you dealing with an upset toddler all day, but you’re dealing with 3 other kids who still require attention, guidance, correction, grace, praise, oh…and food! For the love of food, make it STOP! The kitchen is closed for the 100th time today.

But yesterday afternoon, my mindset really shifted. I couldn’t think of what could possibly be making me so upset. I was literally screaming inside. I had to tell the boys 3x to get their shoes on and I just started crying. My oldest just froze and didn’t know what to do. I’ve never cried while yelling at them before. I was frustrated. It was only the morning and I was already exhausted. My thoughts started to flood into my head that I have these horrible, disrespectful kids. And that simply isn’t the case. They’re kids. Who need reminders. And to be refocused. And disciplined at times. But they are sweet, gentle, loving souls who need grace. And understanding. And patience. Just like we adults need grace and understanding, and even patience.

Yesterday, after having my Mama meltdown, the day only got better. I received a call from my son’s Speech Pathologist that he had his best session at school. He needed a lot of visuals, but he knew all of the animals by himself! This is huge. And then Little Miss went down for her nap a little easier without having her bottle. Y’all! She’s not gonna go off to high school with a bottle in her hand! Because this is what her paranoid and slightly dramatic Mama was fearing. So yesterday I chose to focus on our small victories. And today is even a little better. She went down for a nap without throwing everything out of her crib because she was so mad! Ha!

So here’s the thing. I chose to choose my battles today. We’re on day 4 of the Little Mr. not taking a nap. All I want is for him to take a nap! But the other 2 were actually done with naps by the time they turned 2 and 2-1/2 years old. Child #3 was also done with them at 2 (or maybe even earlier), but when he started preschool, I started putting him down again. So this isn’t a battle I’m going to fight. He officially won. For now. And today, TODAY he was playing in the other room independently. And with toys! It’s a small miracle, so I let him play. I let him sing the songs he’s learning at school. I allowed him to make the house a little messier. Because he was playing. And talking to himself. And was having fun. And his tired and worn out Mama needs to give herself some grace and flexibility. Motherhood is far from perfect. But with a little grace, many prayers, and a whole lot of coffee (and chocolate), it’s so worth it.

~XOXO

I have written, erased, written, deleted, written, edited…then deleted, more times then I can count the past two weeks. My mind is cluttered and working over time, and I can feel it. I’m intentionally working on being present. On staying focused. And focusing on what’s most important. On being a better version of myself. On learning and growing more then I ever have in one year. I’m going to be vulnerable and raw for a moment. I’ve only covered the surface, but I feel like I should continue to tell ‘his’ story and bring you on our journey.

He is going to move mountains in a big way. It may be on his own time, and most definitely in his own way, but he’s gonna move them, and I’m bracing myself. I was going to wait until we had more answers, but the truth is, God showed up in a big way today, and I can’t keep it to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know He is with us every step of the way, but there are moments when you just KNOW He is talking to you. And I’m listening.

We went to our Parenting Class at church yesterday. We’ve been sitting next to the same couple for the past 3 weeks. We’ve been talking, laughing, understanding each other’s struggles, learning, and sharing experiences and insights as a group. But today, I took a deep breath, and shared how our parenting journey was somewhat thrown for a loop when #3 came along. (I tend to be an open book. Difference number 5,042 between my husband and myself) I mentioned ‘processing.’ I was surface level, but still wanted to explain how we really had to alter how we parent and how each child is so uniquely different, and sometimes it can be challenging to alter your parenting approach 4 different ways.

After the class ended, the guy we had been sitting next to asked us more about what we were going through. We explained the basics, but also as much as we could get out in a short amount of time. I mentioned that we have an appointment for him to have an evaluation at a Neuropsychologist next month. This man understood and knew EVERYTHING we were talking about. Y’all. Queue the tears. Turns out he’s a Pediatric Chiropractor that specializes in Processing Disorders, Autism, ADHD, along with Epilepsy, Down’s Syndrome and Cerebral Palsy. He is hosting a seminar coming up he told us we should come to; it’s the same week we have the evaluation! I’m seriously in awe of the timing, and know in my heart we are on the right path, in the right time, and at the right place. We had chills driving home and I had tears in my eyes. It’s clearly all a part of His plan.

We don’t know what the evaluation is going to show. Only time will tell. All I know is, even in my moments of doubts or others not completely understanding, we are exactly where we are meant to be. We are in an incredible school district, have a phenomenal Pediatrician who has steered us in the right direction, and now we are signed up for a parent seminar, ‘The Perfect Storm.’ Because this is…The Perfect Storm.

Kylan Jack, YOU are our Perfect Storm.

~XOXO

I’ve always heard people talking about ‘Filling Your Cup,’ but I’ve never known EXACTLY what that felt like until yesterday.

Last week I had emailed a lady back in our church saying I would love to do Tot Time with Isla during education hour, but right now, in this chapter of life, 2-1/2 hours at church seemed like a lot. (She understood exactly what I was talking about, because she talked about being in the same boat herself, just a few years ago.) Usually we go to church during education hour. The boys go to Sunday School, Isla the nursery, and the hubs and I to church. It’s what has worked for us because of nap time for Isla, hunger for the kids, and actually being able to listen in church for us. But then I read the attachment of all that is offered starting this past Sunday…during education hour. ‘Parenting: The Early Years.’ I know that I’m already 4 in deep, but y’all. I do not have all the answers. Shocking!

Poor child #1. He’s what we call our ‘Trial and Error’ child. The problem is…#1 has been our easiest. However, he’s still our trial and error child because he’s been the first for everything. The first one we ever flew on a plane with, first one we sent off to school, first one we realized that we do in fact need to check his backpack daily because there just might be important announcements in there, even if it only is ‘preschool.’ You get the idea. I still feel like when we sign him up for a new activity, we have ‘Rookie Parents’ written all over our faces.

#2 came and he was much harder. He projectile vomited. A lot. He had an incomplete cleft and nursing was painful. PAIN-FUL. He had reconstructive surgery and that experience was most definitely a first. He didn’t breathe when he cried. (Year 6 and I think he’s completely gown out of it) I’m talking purple lips, eyes rolling to the back of his head, falling down, whole body shaking on the floor, not breathing. I asked our pediatrician if it’ll affect his brain development. He was a much busier baby/toddler. Things were just a bit more challenging.

Then #3 came. HOLY MOLY, what even just happened!?! Our whole parenting style had to be readjusted. And we’re still learning how to readjust.

And now #4…she hasn’t been any more difficult than the other 3. But she’s still different. We had to learn how to stop saying “buddy.” Haha!

So I decided to put our excuses aside of thinking that 2-1/2 hours at church is just ‘too hard’ right now. Or ‘one more year and it’ll just be easier.’ And I decided to be intentional. Intentional about learning. Intentional about meeting other parents just like us. Intentional about stepping outside of my comfort zone. Intentional about worshiping as a family. Intentional about enjoying the longer morning at church. And it Filled My Cup. I can’t find the bulletin that I wrote some notes on of things I wanted to include in my blog, along with Isla deciding to eat and slobber all over said bulletin. But I know that it filled my cup. It set the tone for my whole week.

Living with Intention. It’s showing up everywhere I turn. My sister gave me this hanging for my birthday a couple years back, and I have it sitting on my desk to remind me daily. Life does NOT have to be perfect, to be wonderful.

Living with Intention. One day at a time. Find what fills your cup, and intentionally carve out time to do just that.

~XOXO