Weathering The Storm

This last week has been flooded with more emotions then I ever could have anticipated.

We had a full Neurological evaluation done on our sweet #3, that was split into 3 – 2 hour appointments. Then the hubby and I had a “Date Night” and attended The Perfect Storm seminar that was put on by a Pediatric Chiropractic office last Thursday.

It’s amazing the things you don’t notice when you aren’t looking for them. You just go through the motions of your day. But when you’re forced to focus, and analyze, and watch, and answer questions…a whole new world opens up for you, even if you’ve been living it for years!

The waiting is the worst part of it all. What are they going to say? Did they even really get to SEE who my sweet boy is? He has so many little symptoms that fit into many different categories, but as his mother, and someone who has read different articles but by no means is a professional, doesn’t think he fits into one realm of a category.

They bring up ‘Spectrum,’ which I, myself have also wondered. But there are so many qualities he has as well, that don’t fit into the ‘Spectrum.’

He plays at the level of a 2 year old in many ways, like emptying the Tupperware cupboard with his 16 month old sister. Or getting into the refrigerator with his sister and emptying everything out of it. (Side Note: We haven’t found an effective lock for refrigerators. Can someone please be smarter then a child and design child safety locks that ACTUALLY work?)

But he used to never even play. He’s always been a worker and independent. So who’s to say it’s bad that he never took an interest in playing with toys? In my many moments of being tired and frustrated I would think “Why can’t you just sit and watch a show!?…Why can’t you be more like your brothers and just play for once and not be destructive and break or chew everything?” We went through 3 pairs of foam Hulk gloves. I would go into a room and think we had a puppy. There would be green foam chunks all over the bedroom floor. We put the boys to bed one night and I noticed he had chewed the windowsill. Yes, the windowsill. He chewed his nails almost completely off and it didn’t bother him. People would think he’s so tough, because he would be clumsy, walk into a wall, or trip and fall and bump his head hard, but it wouldn’t bother him. He’d just get up and keep going. These are things outsiders and even family members, don’t see. These things have been our ‘normal.’

I don’t remember what he broke, but I still clearly recall calling my husband, and almost in tears explaining that I just ruined his spirit and I probably scarred him for life. In my moment of complete frustration I yelled at him “Why do you continue to ruin EVERYTHING?” In his little 3 year old state of mind, he gave me a blank stare. But I couldn’t take my words back. Did he understand what I just said? Is he going to remember what an awful thing his Mother just said to him? I still get emotional thinking about that incident.

I still remember when he was about 2 years old; it was 5:30am. My hubby and I still sleeping and all of a sudden we hear the garage door go up. We pop up like a bunch of bobble heads and run downstairs. There was a ‘child safety cover’ over our doorknob, but he out smarts any of those ‘safety locks.’ He had pulled a chair across the kitchen to the door going out to the garage, climbed up and reached around the corner to push the button and open the garage door so he could go outside. As a biased parent, I was actually pretty impressed and proud of his problem solving skills and determination. Tired, yes. But amazed non the less.

Some may say he’s just busy and possibly has ADHD. But in the classroom, his teacher says he’s the most patient child she has ever seen. He will let every child go ahead of him to get their sticker, and when they are all done, he’ll go and get his sticker. This too, has been said is not ‘typical’ or ‘normal’ for a 4 year old, and would be put into the ‘Spectrum’ category. Yet when I heard that, I was proud to be his Mama. To me that may not sound typical of a child, but that sounds like a well behaved and caring little boy.

He has absolutely no interest in any projects they do, but he sits and watches everyone. He doesn’t fidget. But he also does not participate in things he doesn’t understand or comprehend. But he doesn’t disrupt the class. But then on Saturday we tried having a Family Movie Night. He could not sit still. He moved from place to place. He was tossing and turning on the couch. He constantly needed or wanted something. He finally calmed enough to fall asleep 30 minutes before the movie was over. Confusing, right?

We were excited when he was turning 4, hoping that was going to be our magic age where things would start to get easier. But just 2 weeks ago he had, what I’m remembering as, his worst melt down to date. He reverted back to acting like a baby through the whole thing. He rolled around and cried and whined. He wouldn’t use any words. He went limp and I had to carry him up to the bathroom. He laid down as if he were a baby and I had to take his pants off and pick up his limp, 4 year old body, and put him on the toilet so he could go to the bathroom before his nap. He was done, got off and collapsed himself to the floor so that I would have to put his clothes back on his limp body. I then carried him to his bed and put him down for his nap. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. And 10 minutes later he came out and said “Long sleep Mom. I all done.” Exhausted, and completely all out of energy, I was done too. I was going to choose my battles, and carrying a kicking and screaming 4 year old body back up to his bed was not going to be one of them. Did I mention he’s the most persistent and stubborn person I have EVER met? I try to be just as persistent and stubborn as him to ‘win’ our battles, but sometimes I’m completely drained and there’s no fight left in me. And he wins.

He also does not understand choices, or compromise, or “if you do this, then we can do that.” He doesn’t process discipline. His brain is on one track and that’s all he has the ability to focus on. I often try to explain that our other 2 boys would know what makes us upset or learn right from wrong. They would learn from an experience and the discipline that came with it, and would not repeat the same behavior. They would get scared or sad just with their Dad raising his voice. Kylan Jack will have a hollow, blank stare. Cry because he doesn’t like something, but would possibly repeat the same behavior just minutes later.

But he’s also my sweetest, most loving little guy. He hugs and tells me, “My love my Mommy.” Every. Single. Day. Sometimes multiple times a day.

He would stand outside in 115 degree weather and cheer for the golfers out back. They would sometimes give him treats…or sometimes tell him to go ask his Mom for a peanut butter sandwich to get him to go inside. Lol. He would go out front to watch everyone leave for work or come home. Every. Single. Day.

He loves people, but is incredibly shy at first. He observes every little thing others are doing.

We never focused on a potential ‘speech delay,’ because we focused on how busy he was and were more concerned about him not burning down the house.

This was his attempt at heating up his own pancake at 2, almost 3 years old. (Don’t mind my dirty microwave)

Just yesterday I was working and didn’t make him his oatmeal fast enough. So he took it upon himself to get the oats out of the pantry, put water in the bowl, drag a chair to the microwave, get it into the microwave without spilling it everywhere, and cook it…for 63 minutes. Clearly he’s got the microwave thing down, we just need to work on his cooking times. Haaa! I continue to look for the rainbows in the midst of this perfect storm we are in.

He may be academically delayed. He may have a speech delay and can’t process information like the ‘norm,’ but he is a smart and loving little boy. He continues to give me more sparkles in my hair, and bags under my eyes that are getting more difficult to hide. But he’s worth it. His story is worth it.

~XOXO