I Miss Her

The only possible thing that could have been worse this past week is losing my sister completely. And in this moment, it feels like I lost her. I know it’s temporary. Please, Lord, tell me it truly is temporary. These feelings are raw and real and no one can stop me from feeling this way.

I’m exhausted. Exhausted because I can’t sleep at night and have to take a nap during the day to help me get through each day. But then that prevents me from falling asleep at night. It’s a vicious cycle. And the one person I would text at night, is my sister.

She texted me today. She’s not supposed to have her phone. But she had it for just a brief moment. And she texted me. She said she was confused and asked if she had seen me today and said she misses and loves me. I told her she’s going to have to be patient with herself. And hopefully when there are less people in the house, and they’re back to their ‘normal’ routine, things will be quieter and it all will seem less confusing…But she didn’t see me today. She saw me yesterday and she doesn’t remember. So here I lay quietly sobbing, trying not to wake Travis up because I want her to remember. And I need to be strong and patient for her. Lord, please help her remember!

I thought everything would be so much better when she came home. I wasn’t mentally prepared to not have my best friend texting me throughout the day. I wasn’t prepared for her to not figure out when we should make Christmas cookies this year. My mom had to ask me about a Christmas sweatshirt that came in the mail. She doesn’t remember why she ordered it, so Mom figured that’s what it was for, but wanted to make sure. And it is. It was for when we’d make Christmas cookies! We were laughing about it on Thanksgiving when I got there, but tonight. Tonight, I just want to scream. I wasn’t prepared to not be able to discuss what we should get the girls this year for Christmas. It was going to be their American Girl Doll year. Isla’s getting her first American Girl doll, and I ordered an accessory to go with her doll from my sister. But I couldn’t quickly text what I should get Ellie. And I just want to scream. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I feel so incredibly alone during what is normally my favorite time of year. I’m not in the mood for any of it. My sister and I plan all the things and our husbands just show up 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️ In this moment, I don’t want to plan anything. But it’s just for the moment.

Kylan, bless his heart, has been giving me hugs out of nowhere. They got home from Talan’s soccer game tonight and the first thing he did was come into my room and said ‘Mommmm!’ And gave me the sweetest hug. Then he went and cleaned his room. No prompting. Nothing. He was so proud of himself!

Isla came and laid next to me and had me rub her back. These little people (and some not so little anymore 😭) need their Mama. I need to figure this out. And I know this. Trust me. I know this.

Travis has seriously been my rock. He’s let me absolutely lose my shit. He’s been quiet if I don’t want to talk, and he’s talked me off the ledge more times than I can count. But I have a family and I NEED to figure this out. No one is telling me I need to figure it out. But I know I do.

It’s amazing what this blog does for me. Truly. I don’t write in it often, but it’s there when I need it most. I started writing tonight not being able to sleep and crying into my pillow. And I’m ending the blog with a ton of bricks lifted off of my chest and ready to close my eyes.

In The Morning, When I Rise, Give Me Jesus…

I’m at peace. For the moment. Night. Night.

~XOXO